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Late-night's best: Oprah, Hu, Obama and Regis

January 24, 2011 |  7:14 am

Oprah Winfrey file

As The Ticket's 57,000+ Twitter followers here and 6,500 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Here's the usual Monday morning collection from the previous week:

Leno: China President Hu spent two days in Chicago. By Rahm Emanuel standards, Hu's a resident now and can run for mayor too.

Leno: Chinese President Hu at his White House state dinner gave President Obama amazing gifts -- bootleg DVDs of ‘The Green Hornet’ and ‘Little Fockers.’

Letterman: China's President Hu visiting the U.S. and White House. Says if he likes....

... what he sees, he'll put down a deposit.

Leno: An awkward White House moment for President Hu. He heard President Obama had won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize and tried to have the American arrested too.

Conan: In a new interview, Oprah says her heart's been broken twice. She wouldn’t say by whom. But she did reveal where she had the bodies buried.Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders

Leno: Another really awkward diplomatic moment when President Hu met President Obama’s daughters the other day. Hu asked what factory they worked in.

Conan: Lakers star Ron Artest is in trouble for working a plug for In-N-Out Burger into a post-game interview. All I can say is, how dare he make a shameless plug in the STAPLES Center?

Fallon: Sen. Bernie Sanders' 8-hour speech against the Bush tax cuts will soon be out as a book. At Barnes & Noble, it'll be in the section marked, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Fallon: Snooki’s new book, 'A Shore Thing,' made the bestsellers list. Snooki on the bestsellers list. Up next: Locusts.

Conan: Ex-California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says he may do a new movie playing a Nazi. The governor says he wants a role where people hate him less.

Leno: Huntington Beach, Calif., tries to embarrass drunk drivers by putting their photos on Facebook. Have you been on Facebook? People already put their drunk photos there.

Conan: Despite cutting half of the city’s police force, the mayor of Camden, N.J., says the city’s crime statistics will not be adversely affected. Asked how that’s possible, the mayor cited the new law making stabbing a misdemeanor.

Conan: Time Warner Cable tests a new premium service that sets a specific time for the installer to arrive. You have two choices of time: “Winter” or “Spring.”

Leno: Big news today -- Starbucks introduced its largest drink ever. The Trenta at 31 ounces! The price: $1 million.

Conan: Those Chilean miners who were trapped in a mine 69 days have formed a corporation. Finally, a place to get advice on how to almostRegis Philbin and Kelly Kelly Ripa 1-18-11 die underground.

Leno: An Illinois high school boy is in trouble for rating 50 girls on his Facebook page. Other than the Miss America Pageant, who would do such a thing?

Conan: The dating website e-Harmony is looking for a new CEO. Strangely, the only thing it specifies in the job description is: “No Fatties.”

Leno: The House votes to repeal Obama’s healthcare bill. Republicans have their own plan, called “Don’t Ask, Don’t Get Sick.”

Conan: Regis Philbin announces that he’ll be retiring after 40 years on television. It’s a shame, because Regis was only 60 years shy of breaking Larry King’s record.

Fallon: This is just insane. A JetBlue pilot apparently lost a bag with his gun inside. I don't know if I'm more worried that the bag had a gun in it, or that the airlines are now losing THEIR OWN luggage.

Conan: Brett Favre officially files retirement papers with the NFL. He was able to do it quickly by going right to the league's Brett Favre Retirement Window.

Related Items:

Late-night's best: Golden Globes, Turbo Tax phone app, Swiss dogs

Lare-night jokes: Hugh Hefner's diamond, falling birds and old Jerry Brown

Late-night jokes: Napolitano says Homeland Security on guard most days

Late-night jokes No. 9: Michael Vick, Mike Bloomberg, JibJab Annual Review

Late-night jokes No. 8: Sarah Palin, TSA hands, Oprah and Charlie Brown

Late-night's best jokes No. 7: WikiLeaks, Karzai, Starbuck's and Justin Bieber

Late night's best No. 6: Rand Paul, Wal-Mart and TSA pat-downs

Late-night joke collection No. 5: Charlie Rangel and Levi Johnston

-- Andrew Malcolm

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says, "Does he talk?" Parrot says, "Not without a Teleprompter." Every Monday morning, the best of late-night. And no need to go out, just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photos: Robyn Beck / AFP / Getty Images (Winfrey); Brendan Smialowski / Getty Images (Sanders); Disney-ABC TV via AP (Philbin and Kelly Ripa).

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