Opinion: Late-night’s best: Rand Paul, Wal-Mart, TSA pat-downs, Macy’s and a Jennifer Grey shocker
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As The Ticket’s 55,000 Twitter followers here and 6,300+ Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Here’s our regular Monday morning collection No. 6:
Letterman: They say these new TSA pat-downs are so thorough, you only need one every 5 years. Now, you can get the regular pat-down or what they call the Full Spitzer.
Fallon: Last Minute TSA Security Holiday Travel Alert: When flying, do not attempt to carry-on foods, liquids, sharp objects or any shred of dignity.
Fallon: Thanksgiving, of course, is a very special day when the entire family gathers to roll their eyes at the one vegetarian cousin.
Letterman: My problem with the new TSA pat-downs: How long do you wait before calling the guy? And how much do you tip him?
Letterman: Wal-Marts opened this Thanksgiving at midnight. It’s a stampede, people get stomped. It’s like a Rand Paul rally.
Fallon: Steven Spielberg is planning a new movie on Abraham Lincoln. Great! ‘Cause when I hear Abraham Lincoln, my first thought is, ‘Hey, Let’s go to a theater!’
Fallon: Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade! Wonderful memories. I remember....
...sitting on Dad’s shoulders watching all the balloons go by. Yeah, last year was pretty great. Leno: A new magazine survey of 35 cities lists L.A. as the second least intelligent. Thank God for Washington, D.C.!
Leno: Speaking of L.A., those 33 trapped Chilean miners visited that city recently. But half of them had to be hospitalized. They couldn’t breathe the L.A. air.
Conan: Jennifer Grey was excited to win ‘Dancing With The Stars’ last week. But next day she woke up next to a bloody moose head.
Fallon: ‘Skating With the Stars’ premiered right after ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ I was able to watch both, thanks to my TiVo’s ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy.
Letterman: New York Mayor Bloomberg declares war on soup now. Says it’s unhealthy, too salty. Who’s this guy think he is, the Sheriff of Nottingham?
Fallon: Tiger Woods tells ESPN he’s ‘infinitely’ happier now than a year ago. Mostly because he changed his plan to unlimited texting.
Conan: Scientists now think that Neanderthals lived fast and died young. So don’t expect a Season 3 of ‘Jersey Shore.’
Fallon: Researchers in Australia discover a new species of parrot. The scientists say it’s a very important discovery with broad implications for science and mankind. The parrots say it’s a very important discovery with broad implications for science and mankind.
Conan: The show ’60 Minutes’ now has an app for the iPad. The ’60 Minutes’ app is called IWillHaveMyGranddaughterExplainThisToMe
Fallon: President Obama tells ABC’s Barbara Walters he’ll “have problems” if Americans are dissatisfied with him. In a related story, Obama has problems.
Related Items:
Late-night joke collection No. 5: Charlie Rangel and Levi Johnston
Late-night joke collection No. 4: Oprah, Obama, Bush, Pelosi and Biden
Late-night joke collection No. 3: Betty White and Jerry Brown
Late-night joke collection No. 2: Joe Biden, NPR, Osama bin Laden and Charlie
Late-night joke collection: No. 1
-- Andrew Malcolm
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