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Late-night's best: Rand Paul, Wal-Mart, TSA pat-downs, Macy's and a Jennifer Grey shocker

November 29, 2010 |  7:12 am

A pair of TSA security agents inspect a suspicious groin


A TSA security agent checks a passenger's left breast

As The Ticket's 55,000 Twitter followers here and 6,300+ Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Here's our regular Monday morning collection No. 6:

Letterman: They say these new TSA pat-downs are so thorough, you only need one every 5 years. Now, you can get the regular pat-down or what they call the Full Spitzer.Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough on ABC's Dancing with the Stars

Fallon: Last Minute TSA Security Holiday Travel Alert: When flying, do not attempt to carry-on foods, liquids, sharp objects or any shred of dignity.

Fallon: Thanksgiving, of course, is a very special day when the entire family gathers to roll their eyes at the one vegetarian cousin.

Letterman: My problem with the new TSA pat-downs: How long do you wait before calling the guy? And how much do you tip him?

Letterman: Wal-Marts opened this Thanksgiving at midnight. It's a stampede, people get stomped. It's like a Rand Paul rally.

Fallon: Steven Spielberg is planning a new movie on Abraham Lincoln.  Great! 'Cause when I hear Abraham Lincoln, my first thought is, 'Hey, Let’s go to a theater!'

Fallon: Macy's Thanksgiving Parade! Wonderful memories. I remember....

...sitting on Dad's shoulders watching all the balloons go by. Yeah, last year was pretty great.

Leno: A new magazine survey of 35 cities lists L.A. as the second least intelligent. Thank God for Washington, D.C.!

Leno: Speaking of L.A., those 33 trapped Chilean miners visited that city recently. But half of them had to be hospitalized. They couldn’t breathe the L.A. air.

Conan: Jennifer Grey was excited to win "Dancing With The Stars" last week. But next day she woke up next to a bloody moose head.

Fallon: "Skating With the Stars" premiered right after "Dancing With the Stars." I was able to watch both, thanks to my TiVo's "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

Letterman: New York Mayor Bloomberg declares war on soup now. Says it's unhealthy, too salty. Who's this guy think he is, the Sheriff of Nottingham?Godfather Horses Head Bed scene

Fallon: Tiger Woods tells ESPN he's "infinitely" happier now than a year ago. Mostly because he changed his plan to unlimited texting.

Conan: Scientists now think that Neanderthals lived fast and died young. So don’t expect a Season 3 of "Jersey Shore."

Fallon: Researchers in Australia discover a new species of parrot. The scientists say it's a very important discovery with broad implications for science and mankind. The parrots say it's a very important discovery with broad implications for science and mankind.

Conan: The show "60 Minutes" now has an app for the iPad.  The "60 Minutes" app is called IWillHaveMyGranddaughterExplainThisToMe

Fallon: President Obama tells ABC’s Barbara Walters he'll “have problems” if Americans are dissatisfied with him. In a related story, Obama has problems.

Related Items:

Late-night joke collection No. 5: Charlie Rangel and Levi Johnston

Late-night joke collection No. 4: Oprah, Obama, Bush, Pelosi and Biden

Late-night joke collection No. 3: Betty White and Jerry Brown

Late-night joke collection No. 2: Joe Biden, NPR, Osama bin Laden and Charlie

Late-night joke collection: No. 1

-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photos: Rick Wilking / Reuters (TSA security agents check out passengers' suspicious body parts); Adam Larkey / ABC (Jennifer Grey and some guy on "Dancing With the Stars"); "The Godfather."