Top of the Ticket

Political commentary from the LA Times

« Previous Post | Top of the Ticket Home | Next Post »

Late-night jokes: WikiLeaks, Karzai, 'Jersey Shore,' Starbucks and Justin Bieber

December 6, 2010 |  8:08 am

Democrat president barack Obama's 12 stitched lip from a basketball game 11-30-10

As The Ticket's 55,300 Twitter followers here and 6,300+ Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Here's our regular Monday morning collection No. 7:

Leno: President Obama got an elbow sandwich during a weekend basketball game. Twelve stitches on his lip. Of course, he blamed George W. Bush.

Conan: This week's big story, of course, is WikiLeaks. The website WikiLeaks released more than 250,000 secret government documents –- some of which refer to computer passwords for world leaders. The most shocking revelation?  Kofi Annan’s password is Bieberfan9.

Conan: WikiLeaks says the U.S. sees Afghan President Hamid Karzai as....

...paranoid and weak. Karzai replied, I was really afraid of something like this, but there’s nothing I can do.Justin Bieber

Conan: Today is "Cyber Monday," a huge online shopping day. Which is followed tomorrow by "Identity Theft Tuesday."

Leno: WikiLeaks has ALL the classified secrets. They know all the Pentagon’s secrets. But still, no one knows Victoria's Secret.

Leno: Doesn't WikiLeaks sound like some kind of drug like Flomax? My doctor had me on Flomax, then decided I really needed to be on WikiLeaks.

Conan: Tonight's the second night of Hanukkah. Actually since we're on TBS, we’re just re-running the first night.

Conan: Facebook's creator Mark Zuckerberg will be on '60 Minutes' Sunday. In other words, Zuckerberg will be interviewed by the only people currently not on Facebook.

Conan: This year's "10 Most Fascinating People" show has Barbara Walters interviewing the cast of "Jersey Shore." So it’s official: Walters is very easily fascinated.a Bingo Card

Letterman: Wow, five public restrooms now in Times Square. What, the curb isn’t good enough anymore? Anyway, they’re taking reservations now for New Years.

Conan: Two Oklahoma women were caught shoplifting $2,000 worth of merchandise stuffed in the rolls of their body fat. The cops said, we can do this the easy way or the disgusting way.

SNL: A Brooklyn coffee shop is now serving 20-ounce espressos, like 10 shots. All they ask is that you leave the coffee shop through the door.

Conan: The Federal Deficit Commission wants to raise the retirement age to 69. In other words, they want Brett Favre to play two more years.

Conan: Starbucks may start selling beer and wine at its coffee shops. Apparently, Starbucks is having trouble finding sober people willing to pay nine bucks for a cup of coffee.

Conan: On this day in 1929 the game of Bingo was created. And so was everybody who still plays it. 

Related Items:

Late-night joke collection No. 6: Rand Paul, Wal-mart and TSA pat-downs

Late-night joke collection No. 5: Charlie Rangel and Levi Johnston

Late-night joke collection No. 4: Oprah, Obama, Bush, Pelosi and Biden

Late-night joke collection No. 3: Betty White and Jerry Brown

Late-night joke collection No. 2: Joe Biden, NPR, Osama bin Laden and Charlie

Late-night joke collection: No. 1

-- Andrew Malcolm

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says, "Does he talk?" Parrot says, "Not without a Teleprompter." Just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photos: Olivier Douliery / EPA; Shuji Kajiyama / Associated Press (Justin Bieber).