Opinion: Late-night’s best: Golden Globes as predictors, Swiss dogs, Turbo Tax phone app and Cam Newton’s plans
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As The Ticket’s 56,000 Twitter followers here and 6,400+ Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Here’s the usual Monday morning collection:
SNL: A town in Switzerland warns dog owners that if they do not pay the annual $50 tax on dogs, their pets will be euthanized. ‘Switzerland: Neutral on Nazis. Tough on Dogs.”
Letterman: The Golden Globes on Sunday night. They say those awards are an excellent predictor of how boring the Academy Awards will be.
Conan: A Swedish firm has designed an efficient city that features buildings on wheels that can be moved in or out of town as desired. This ingenious city of the future is known as a “trailer park.”
Fallon: Twin sisters in California are marking their 100th birthday. They are so cute. They know each other so well, they practically forget each other’s sentences.
SNL: A new mobile phone app was released Friday by TurboTax called SnapTax. It allows people to prepare and file their taxes from their smart phones. Finally, the....
...stress and headache of doing your own taxes comes to a much smaller screen. Letterman: The big Auto Show is open now in Detroit. It will be there for two weeks or until all the cars are stolen.
Letterman: Another big snowstorm in New York City. Right now at Kennedy Airport the plows are opening runways so JetBlue can taxi out to sit for 12 hours.
Leno: Cam Newton on the show tonight. He may reveal his plans: if he’s going to play professional football or go to the Carolina Panthers.
Leno: Ex Rep. Tom DeLay got two years in prison for money-laundering. But the judge tacked on a third year for DeLay’s performance on ‘Dancing With the Stars.’
Conan: Today is January 11 or 1-11-11—something that only happens every 100 years. When they told Larry King, he said, “This again!”
Leno: Due to the recession there are now 15,000 fewer lawyers. See, nobody ever talks about the good parts of recessions.
Conan: A company has invented a bathroom scale that allows you to tweet your weight to friends. The company immediately went out of business.
Fallon: Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is apparently renting a new, five-bedroom house. It’s a nice house -- except as soon as you get used to the furniture, he rearranges it for no reason.
Conan: A new website that allows you to do Facebook, Twitter, e-mail, Web surf & read the news all in one place. That one place is called, work.
Fallon: Ryan Seacrest buys an engagement ring. Imagine him, down on one knee, ‘Honey, there’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you. And I will ask you …RIGHT AFTER THE BREAK!’
Letterman: In New York City last year, 526 murders. 526 murders. Or as New Yorkers think of them -- new apartments.
Conan: “American Idol” producers are saying when the show returns this week with two new celebrity judges, there will be less put-downs and more support and coaching for the contestants. In other words, this will be the last season of “American Idol.”
Conan: MGM Studios has announced that, despite financial troubles, it will be releasing a new James Bond film next year. In light of the tough economic times, it will be titled “License to Kill, And Sell Real Estate On the Side.”
Fallon: After Afghanistan and Pakistan Joe Biden made his third surprise visit this week to Iraq. Does anyone else think he’s just lost over there?
Conan: In a major speech in the Mideast, Hillary Clinton urges Arab leaders to enact real reform. Halfway through her speech, the leaders looked around and asked, “Why is a woman talking?”
SNL: It was reported this week that producers of the TV show ‘Extra’ are developing a spinoff called ‘Chit Chat,’ which is a Latina version of ‘The View.’ In case you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to be inside a headache.
Leno: Remember that New York City woman who said she quit smoking by eating dog biscuits? Unfortunately, she was hurt the other day, hanging her head out a speeding cab’s window.
Conan: Disney says in order to match Israeli sensibilities, the nickname of its new park there will be changed from “The Happiest Place on Earth” to “It Could Be Worse.”
Fallon: A new study finds that ESP could actually be for real. I read about it in the paper tomorrow.
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Late-night jokes No. 9: Micael Vick, Mike Bloomberg, JibJab Annual Review
Late-night jokes No. 8: Sarah Palin, TSA hands, Oprah and Charlie Brown
Late-night’s best jokes No. 7: WikiLeaks, Karzai, Starbuck’s and Justin Bieber
Late night’s best No. 6: Rand Paul, Wal-Mart and TSA pat-downs
Late-night joke collection No. 5: Charlie Rangel and Levi Johnston
Late-night joke collection No. 4: Oprah, Obama, Bush, Pelosi and Biden
-- Andrew Malcolm
Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says, ‘Does he talk?’ Parrot says, ‘Not without a Teleprompter.’ Every Monday morning, the best of late-night. And no need to go out, just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We’re also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.