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Late-night jokes: Sarah Palin, Facebook, Oprah, TSA's cold hands and Charlie Brown's faith

Sarah Palin in Haiti listens to the Rev Franklin Graham 12-12-10 speak about his aid project

As The Ticket's 55,600 Twitter followers here and 6,300+ Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Here's our regular Monday morning collection No. 8:

Letterman: Some sad news: Santa will be one reindeer short this year. Thanks a lot, Sarah Palin!

Letterman: It's so cold in New York that the TSA people at LaGuardia Airport are putting their hands down their own pants.

SNL: A two-year-old Pennsylvania girl was trapped after crawling into a toy crane vending machine. Firefighters got her out safely, but it took like nine dollars in quarters.

Conan: In an interview with Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey said she is “not even kind of a lesbian.” It was an awkward moment, because it came in response to the question, “How was your flight?”

Letterman: Oprah told Barbara Walters that she's not a lesbian. So I guess we can all breathe a little easier. I watched it with Jay and Steadman.

Fallon: A Toronto couple had Facebook friends vote on their baby’s name. So....

...congratulations to the couple and their new baby girl, ‘Like.’

Conan: Big story today—16 billionaires, including Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, have pledged to give away most of their money. In related news, Zuckerberg got 50 million new Friend requests.happy Obama

Fallon: The holidays are coming, which means everyone's having their office parties. Or as sexual harassment attorneys call it, ‘Cha-ching!’

Letterman: The holidays are great on TV. All the classics. 'Charlie Brown's Christmas.' But a recent poll found that most Americans still think Charlie's a Muslim.

Conan: 7-Eleven plans its own brand of wine. So finally, 7-Eleven sells something that's SUPPOSED to sit on the shelf for decades.

Leno: Big political story tonight: It looks like the Bush taxcuts for the wealthy will continue thanks to the courage of a strong Republican leader like Barack Obama.

Fallon: President Obama has reached a deal with Republicans to extend the Bush tax cuts, in exchange for extending jobless benefits. Republicans in Congress say they’re thrilled with the tax cuts, while Democrats leaving Congress say they’re thrilled with the jobless benefits.

Leno: Do you understand Obama's tax cut bill? If you are rich, you are in luck. If you are unemployed, you are in luck. If you work, you are so screwed.

Leno: Here’s how much trouble President Obama is in: They changed his slogan to "Yes, We Cave." Now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.Oprah Winfrey making a scary face

Fallon:  Hey, the Department of Homeland Security is bringing the ‘If You See Something, Say Something’ campaign to Wal-Mart, reminding shoppers to report suspicious activity. I'm sorry, you want to know if there's suspicious activity at a Wal-Mart? You mean the place where I can go to one aisle and get a rifle, an iPod and Sunny D?

Conan: To improve national security, New York City cabbies are being asked to begin racially profiling their passengers. The drivers are being told to report “anyone who looks like them.”

Fallon: WikiLeaks founder threatens to release damaging files on BP and Guantanamo Bay. Excuse me? Is that possible to damage either one?

Fallon: Oprah chooses Charles Dickens’ novels ‘Tale of Two Cities’ and ‘Great Expectations’ for her latest book club picks. Man, that guy’s about to get real rich.

Charlie Brown

Conan: Over the weekend in Germany a snowball fight ended in a brawl with 500 people. Out of habit, France surrendered.

Letterman: Gotta warn tourists murders are up in New York City. Saturdays are the worst day. In fact, it's so bad they had to add a Sunday matinee.

Fallon: The Census says that over the last 10 years, the U.S. population grew by roughly 30 million people. When I heard that, I was like, ‘Por qué?’

SNL: A Kentucky man gets 33 months in prison for threatening President Obama in a poem. Poetry is probably the worst possible answer you can give to the question ‘So, what are you in for?'

Leno: A new poll says 51% of Americans believe their life was better two years ago, before Barack Obama was president. The president replies, 'Join the club!'

Conan: The highest paid reality TV stars are Kim Kardashian with $6 million and The Situation earning $5 million. Let this be a lesson, kids: Stay out of school.

Conan: In a new survey, 1 out of 3 men age 75 to 95 describe themselves as “sexually active.” The other 2 out of 3 describe themselves as “not rich.”

Related Items:

Late-night's best jokes No. 7: WikiLeaks, Karzai, Starbuck's and Justin Bieber

Late-night's best No. 6: Rand Paul, Wal-Mart and TSA pat-downs

Late-night joke collection No. 5: Charlie Rangel and Levi Johnston

Late-night joke collection No. 4: Oprah, Obama, Bush, Pelosi and Biden

Late-night joke collection No. 3: Betty White and Jerry Brown

Late-night joke collection No. 2: Joe Biden, NPR, Osama bin Laden and Charlie

Late-night joke collection: No. 1

-- Andrew Malcolm

So, this blog reader walks into a bar.....Every Monday morning, the best of late-night. And no need to go out, just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photos: Dieu Nalio Chery / Associated Press (Palin Sunday listens to the Rev. Franklin Graham at his Samaritan aid project in Haiti); Larry Downing / Reuters (Obama happy); Harpo Productions; Hartford Courant.

 
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About the Columnist
A veteran foreign and national correspondent, Andrew Malcolm has served on the L.A. Times Editorial Board and was a Pulitzer finalist in 2004. He is the author of 10 nonfiction books and father of four. Read more.
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