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Late night's best: Hugh Hefner's diamond, falling birds, Facebook and old Jerry Brown again

Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris file

As The Ticket's 56,000 Twitter followers here and 6,400+ Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Here's the usual Monday morning collection:

Letterman: Well, the holidays are over. Earlier today, I put my relatives out by the curb.

Fallon: A new survey finds that 11% of Americans think they are overweight. The other 89% couldn’t respond because they had food in their mouth.

Letterman: I don’t want to alarm visitors, but New York City is awash with uncollected garbage and rats. So Mayor Bloomberg has hired an additional cat.

Fallon: A Washington retired couple with 23 grandkids won a MegaMillions jackpot. The grandma and grandpa were like, 'Yeh, who you gonna visit now?'

Leno: Al Qaeda this week announced that women do not have what it takes to be....

...terrorists. Really? Any of you guys ever forgotten your anniversary?

Letterman: Did you see this? 1,000 birds fall out of the Arkansas sky dead. They won't know what happened til they retrieve the flight recorders.

Fallon: An amazing survival story: A teenager survived 10 hours on a mountain using tips from the Discovery Channel’s 'Man vs Wild' show. Also it was only 10 hours.

Letterman: So, welcome all to New York City. It’s 36 degrees here with a 20% chance of falling birds.

Fallon: 84-year-old Hugh Hefner gave his 24-year-old fiancée a $90,000 diamond ring. Of course, back when he bought it, it was just a lump of coal.

Leno: California's former Gov. Jerry Brown is the new governor now. How California is that? Hooking up with your ex years later?

Leno: MySpace announced this week it's downsizing. I thought Facebook pretty much did that for them.

Fallon: A new study says two-thirds of YouTube’s CPR videos are wrong. Although if your buddy is looking up CPR instructions on YouTube, you’re probably going to die.

Fallon: So for the first time Congress was live on Facebook today. Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste time and not get work done.

Letterman: The 2010 statistics are out. New York City had 526 murders. We're back, by golly. I just hope they catch the guy.

Letterman: Did you see this? Emergency airliner landing. The pilot spilled coffee and it screwed up the electronics. What is this? A $50-million airplane and no cupholder?

Conan:  7-Eleven announced it's developing a house wine called Cherrywood Cellars. Finally, a wine that you can microwave.

Fallon: They just found the world’s oldest cat. He’s 39. Lives in Britain in a house with 60 or 70 lonely old women.

Leno: A Utah State professor is studying people with a compulsive obsession with morality and religion. They had these when I was a kid. We called them parents.

Fallon: Nickelodeon renews "SpongeBob SquarePants" for a ninth season. You can tell SpongeBob is growing up, though. Now he wants to be called SpongeRobert.

Related:

Late-night jokes: Napolitano says Homeland Security on guard most days

Late-night jokes No. 9: Micael Vick, Mike Bloomberg, JibJab Annual Review

Late-night jokes No. 8: Sarah Palin, TSA hands, Oprah and Charlie Brown

Late-night's best jokes No. 7: WikiLeaks, Karzai, Starbuck's and Justin Bieber

Late night's best No. 6: Rand Paul, Wal-Mart and TSA pat-downs

Late-night joke collection No. 5: Charlie Rangel and Levi Johnston

Late-night joke collection No. 4: Oprah, Obama, Bush, Pelosi and Biden

Late-night joke collection No. 3: Betty White and Jerry Brown

-- Andrew Malcolm

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says, "Does he talk?" Parrot says, "Not without a Teleprompter." Every Monday morning, the best of late-night. And no need to go out, just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photo: Matt Sayles / Associated Press (Hefner and his fiancée, Crystal Harris).

 
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About the Columnist
A veteran foreign and national correspondent, Andrew Malcolm has served on the L.A. Times Editorial Board and was a Pulitzer finalist in 2004. He is the author of 10 nonfiction books and father of four. Read more.
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