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Late-night's best: Egypt, Oprah, Disney, Zuckerberg

Hillary Clinton speaks to Arab leaders 1-11

As The Ticket's 58,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,500 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Here's the regular Monday morning collection from the previous week:

Conan: "Angry street protests continue in Egypt. Hillary Clinton calls for calm. Because nothing calms enraged Arabs like a powerful woman giving orders.Farmville from Facebook with sheep"

Leno: "Egyptian protesters are outmaneuvering police by using Facebook. But now the police are surrounding protesters with a fence from Farmville."

Conan: "Oprah Winfrey announced that she has found her half-sister who was given up for adoption as child. Then, so no one felt left out, Oprah gave everyone in the audience their own half-sister."

Conan: "Oprah's birthday is coming up. I don't want to ruin the surprise, but I hear this time she’s getting a full sister!"

Leno: "Good news. Turns out President Obama is....

... Oprah's half-brother. So, we're all finally out of debt."

Conan: "An L.A. woman gives birth to a healthy baby on the....

Oprah greets her half sister patricia 1-24-11

... shoulder of the 605 Freeway. It's amazing what people will do out here just to use the carpool lane."

Fallon: "A new study finds college students think self-esteem is more important than sex. When asked, 'Really?' college students said, 'No.'"Mark Zuckerberg file

Conan: "That snowstorm left 300,000 people in the Washington area without power. The 300,000 people without power in Washington are called 'Democrats.'"

Conan: "An Illinois court has ruled that former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel cannot run for mayor of Chicago. Then another court said he could. Either way, according to Chicago law, Emanuel is perfectly free to purchase the position."

Conan: "Disney's new cruise ship plays Disney show tunes 24 hours a day. When he heard about it, Satan said, 'These guys are good.'"

Conan: "Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg had his own Facebook Fan page hacked. Zuckerberg immediately ordered the hacker tracked down, seized and hired."

Fallon: "Sorry if I seem a little nervous tonight. WikiLeaks is threatening to release all of my drunk text messages."

Conan: "Wal-Mart says it's developed a plan to help customers eat healthier. Step 1: Lock the door to Wal-Mart."

Conan: "Some 200 cows recently died in the middle of a field in Wisconsin -– and no one knows the cause of death. However, authorities suspect boredom."

Conan: "Nhappy Kim Jong Ilorth Korea opens a Disney-style amusement park. Not sure how long it will last though, because Kim Jong-il isn't tall enough to go on any of the rides."

Leno: "Italy's 74-year-old leader, Silvio Berlusconi, is under investigation for cavorting with prostitutes. This being Italy, it could end his career if it's not true."

Leno: "A sad true story out of Denmark. Doctors there are studying a man who goes temporarily blind whenever he has sex. His wife has divorced him. Apparently, he was not seeing someone else."

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Late-night's best: Hu, Regis and Obama

Late-night's best: Golden Globes, Turbo Tax phone app, Swiss dogs

Lare-night jokes: Hugh Hefner's diamond, falling birds and old Jerry Brown

Late-night jokes: Napolitano says Homeland Security on guard most days

Late-night jokes No. 8: Sarah Palin, TSA hands, Oprah and Charlie Brown

Late-night's best jokes No. 7: WikiLeaks, Karzai, Starbuck's and Justin Bieber

Late night's best No. 6: Rand Paul, Wal-Mart and TSA pat-downs

-- Andrew Malcolm

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says, "Does he talk?" Parrot says, "Not without a Teleprompter." Every Monday morning, the best of late-night. And no need to go out, just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photo credits: From top, Ali Haider / EPA; George Burns / Harpo Productions; Paul Sakuma / Associated Press;  EPA

 
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About the Columnist
A veteran foreign and national correspondent, Andrew Malcolm has served on the L.A. Times Editorial Board and was a Pulitzer finalist in 2004. He is the author of 10 nonfiction books and father of four. Read more.
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