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Late-night's best: Rand Paul, Wal-Mart, TSA pat-downs, Macy's and a Jennifer Grey shocker

GETTING TO KNOW YOU....

A pair of TSA security agents inspect a suspicious groin

....GETTING TO KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU

A TSA security agent checks a passenger's left breast

As The Ticket's 55,000 Twitter followers here and 6,300+ Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Here's our regular Monday morning collection No. 6:

Letterman: They say these new TSA pat-downs are so thorough, you only need one every 5 years. Now, you can get the regular pat-down or what they call the Full Spitzer.Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough on ABC's Dancing with the Stars

Fallon: Last Minute TSA Security Holiday Travel Alert: When flying, do not attempt to carry-on foods, liquids, sharp objects or any shred of dignity.

Fallon: Thanksgiving, of course, is a very special day when the entire family gathers to roll their eyes at the one vegetarian cousin.

Letterman: My problem with the new TSA pat-downs: How long do you wait before calling the guy? And how much do you tip him?

Letterman: Wal-Marts opened this Thanksgiving at midnight. It's a stampede, people get stomped. It's like a Rand Paul rally.

Fallon: Steven Spielberg is planning a new movie on Abraham Lincoln.  Great! 'Cause when I hear Abraham Lincoln, my first thought is, 'Hey, Let’s go to a theater!'

Fallon: Macy's Thanksgiving Parade! Wonderful memories. I remember....

...sitting on Dad's shoulders watching all the balloons go by. Yeah, last year was pretty great.

Leno: A new magazine survey of 35 cities lists L.A. as the second least intelligent. Thank God for Washington, D.C.!

Leno: Speaking of L.A., those 33 trapped Chilean miners visited that city recently. But half of them had to be hospitalized. They couldn’t breathe the L.A. air.

Conan: Jennifer Grey was excited to win "Dancing With The Stars" last week. But next day she woke up next to a bloody moose head.

Fallon: "Skating With the Stars" premiered right after "Dancing With the Stars." I was able to watch both, thanks to my TiVo's "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

Letterman: New York Mayor Bloomberg declares war on soup now. Says it's unhealthy, too salty. Who's this guy think he is, the Sheriff of Nottingham?Godfather Horses Head Bed scene

Fallon: Tiger Woods tells ESPN he's "infinitely" happier now than a year ago. Mostly because he changed his plan to unlimited texting.

Conan: Scientists now think that Neanderthals lived fast and died young. So don’t expect a Season 3 of "Jersey Shore."

Fallon: Researchers in Australia discover a new species of parrot. The scientists say it's a very important discovery with broad implications for science and mankind. The parrots say it's a very important discovery with broad implications for science and mankind.

Conan: The show "60 Minutes" now has an app for the iPad.  The "60 Minutes" app is called IWillHaveMyGranddaughterExplainThisToMe

Fallon: President Obama tells ABC’s Barbara Walters he'll “have problems” if Americans are dissatisfied with him. In a related story, Obama has problems.

Related Items:

Late-night joke collection No. 5: Charlie Rangel and Levi Johnston

Late-night joke collection No. 4: Oprah, Obama, Bush, Pelosi and Biden

Late-night joke collection No. 3: Betty White and Jerry Brown

Late-night joke collection No. 2: Joe Biden, NPR, Osama bin Laden and Charlie

Late-night joke collection: No. 1

-- Andrew Malcolm

So, this blog reader walks into a bar.....Every Monday morning, the best of late-night. And no need to go out, just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photos: Rick Wilking / Reuters (TSA security agents check out passengers' suspicious body parts); Adam Larkey / ABC (Jennifer Grey and some guy on "Dancing With the Stars"); "The Godfather."

 
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the tsa is a joke they are doing all this to make people think they are safe if a dumb bad guy wanted to blow up a plane he would just climb up in wheelwell like the kid in sc did not security check duh


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About the Columnist
A veteran foreign and national correspondent, Andrew Malcolm has served on the L.A. Times Editorial Board and was a Pulitzer finalist in 2004. He is the author of 10 nonfiction books and father of four. Read more.
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