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Late night jokes: Heads up, Canada! The Yanks are coming!

August 1, 2011 |  9:28 am

As The Ticket's 70,000-plus Twitter followers here and 7,000 Facebook friends/fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the "Share" buttons above.

Mounties Marching, fileLeno: A new poll says only 17% of Americans think the country is headed in the right direction. I think it's time for a female president. At least she'd stop and ask for directions.

Conan: Martha Stewart is in Haiti studying local handcrafts. Martha told the craftsmen, “It’s beautiful, completely inspired and you are doing it all wrong.”

Conan: The U.S. government is nearly out of money to pay its bills. Things are so bad, America may have to move in for a while with Canada.

Letterman: So the deficit talks keep breaking down. And right about now Obama, the president, he wishes he was born in Kenya.

Conan: The U.S. government is coming  close to running out of money to pay its bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicolas Cage.

Fallon: In case there's no debt crisis solution, the Obama White House is working on a Plan B. Unfortunately, the B stands for bake sale! Plan C is a car wash.

Letterman: Good news for commuters. New York City's subways are getting high-speed Internet. How about some high-speed trains? Or Wi-Fi in the potholes?

Leno: Top movie last week was "Captain America." Retro feel back in the '40s when America could fight a war and get out of a depression at the same time.

kim Kardashian 7-11Conan: Kim Kardashian has been diagnosed with psoriasis. However, her doctor assured her it won’t interfere with her ability to do nothing.

Leno: The NFL is getting organized for the 2011 season after all. And Oakland Raiders fans are already setting aside bail money.

Fallon: A new company offers speed dating for senior citizens. It's great for people who don't have a lot of time to date -- or a lot of time period.

Leno: L.A. fires a cop who appeared in uniform in a porn film. But how much of a porn film can it be if he was still in uniform?

Conan: With that major heat wave blanketing the country, federal health officials urged Americans to stay home. Americans replied, "We are home—we don’t have jobs.”

Leno: Vice President Joe Biden has opened an account on Twitter. He says he will not stop until he has embarrassed the president on every media platform known to man.

Fallon: A Netherlands man plans to take photos of all 194 world capitals over the next five years. When he’s done, his friends will tell him about Google Earth.

Fallon: A new study says men have happier marriages if their wives are thinner than they are. And really unhappy marriages if they say that.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photos: Jeff Vinnick / Getty Images (Marching Mounties, file); Evan Agostini / Associated Press (Kardashian).

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