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Late-night jokes: Herman Cain's campaign pizza promise

Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain

As The Ticket's 66,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,800 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above. Normally, we publish these on Monday mornings.

Fallon: The safest UPS delivery driver has now logged 4 million miles without an accident. He's being awarded UPS' highest honor -- long pants.

"SNL": A new study finds that the average college-age man thinks about sex 18 times a day. Oh, I'm sorry, I left out the word "bazillion" -- 18 bazillion times a day.

Fallon: 85-year-old Hugh Hefner and his 25-year-old fiancée, Crystal Harris, have sent out their wedding invitations for June 18. She told guests to wear white, but bring black just in case.

Leno: A nice warm story out of China. Disney is building a theme park there. Which means someday Chinese children will be able to go to the toy shop and buy toys they made.

Fallon: Herman Cain, former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, says he’s running for president. And this is cool -- if his campaign isn’t over in 30 minutes or less, you get your pizza for free!

Fallon: Subway sandwich shops are testing a new upscale décor -- wood panels and lounge seating to distract you from the tuna fish being served with an ice-cream scoop.

Leno: A new 3-D version of "Titanic" coming out. In this one, the captain doesn’t see the iceberg coming because he's not wearing the special glasses.

Fallon: Facebook launches a "Send" button. That’s great because when I log onto Facebook, my first thought is, "Not enough people sending me things."Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris

Conan: Over 6 million people attended Cuba's International Book Fair a while back. As usual, the most popular book sold was "How to Build a Raft Out of This Book."

Letterman: A new law says no outdoor smoking in New York City now. Bus exhaust's OK. Toxic meth lab fumes OK. Radioactive steam fine. Roasting a goat on the curb OK. But no outdoor cigarette smoking.

Fallon: Donald Trump says he may run for president as an independent, and when Donald Trump says he's gonna do something, Donald Trump ... says he's gonna do something.

Conan: A Chicago lawyer is being accused of hiring a woman with large breasts to sit with him in the courtroom and distract jurors. Asked for a ruling, the judge said, "Sorry, could you repeat that?"

Fallon: Today is National Hug Your Cat Day! Or as cats call it, "Yeah, don’t do that."

Related:

The good news in Supreme Court order to release 46,000 felons

Obama's sunken approval ratings are also bad news for Libya's Kadafi

-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photos, from top: Herman Cain (Jonathan Ernst / Reuters); Hefner and Harris (Matt Sayles / Associated Press).

 
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Revere's confession to British was a result of waterboarding...

LOL great post


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About the Columnist
A veteran foreign and national correspondent, Andrew Malcolm has served on the L.A. Times Editorial Board and was a Pulitzer finalist in 2004. He is the author of 10 nonfiction books and father of four. Read more.
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