Late-night's best: What else the SEALs found in Osama bin Laden's compound

As The Ticket's 63,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,700 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above. Normally, we publish these on Monday mornings.

SNL: a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing claiming that Osama Bin Laden is not really dead. Which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever to have to prove that he killed someone.

Letterman: So in Bin Laden's compound the SEALs found medicine, old newspapers and, guess what, the complete collection of Dean Martin Roasts.

Letterman: So maybe you heard that chipper Katie Couric is leaving CBS News. She'll....

...be replaced by the No. 2 man, Ayman al-Zawahiri.

Leno: Well, we finally found out how those SEAL helicopters got into Pakistan undetected. The air traffic controllers were all asleep.

Letterman: Everyone talking about who will replace Osama bin Laden. Insiders say his fast-driving nephew Osama bin Diesel.

Fallon: Everyone’s still talking Bin Laden. Hillary Clinton says watching the raid was 38 of the most intense minutes. Which means she’s never had to assemble a chair from Ikea.

Conan: Obama celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House. He whacked a giant piñata and then gave it a burial at sea.

Leno: Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. People were so drunk in Mexico they were breaking into Guatemala.

Conan: New study says Cinco de Mayo is the fourth drunkest holiday in America. The first three are St. Patrick’s Day.

Fallon: Another White House party for President Obama. This week he’ll host a poetry night. Obama will recite Yeats, Hillary will recite Frost, Biden will recite some Seuss.

SNL: This week, children at more than 1,700 schools in North America sang the song "I Wanna Play" at the same time. While simultaneously over in China, more than a billion kids were doing math.

Leno: Exxon Mobil claims only 6% of its profits come from gas sales. Right, so apparently 94% comes from the sale of Slim Jims and Dr Pepper.

Fallon: Starbucks has now become a place for thieves to steal iPads & laptops. Scary. Can you imagine being robbed while just trying to pay $6 for a coffee?

Conan: The man credited with developing the compact disc has died, at the age of 81. As per his wishes, he will be buried in a plastic case that is impossible to open.

Leno: So Take Your Son and Daughter to Work Day here in the U.S. It's a little different over in China: It's Take Mom and Dad to Work Day.

Fallon: For the second year, Jacob and Isabella are the most popular baby names in the U.S. The least popular baby name? Donald Sheen Bin Laden.

Related:

Late-night's best: Living like that, why didn't Osama just shoot himself?

Late-night's best: Air Traffic controllers, NFL replacements and Donald Trump

Late-night's best: Obama, Osama, Oprah, Oh Biden!

Late-night's best: Obama's campaign, Yogi Bear, Glenn Beck and Kelly Ripa's waxing

-- Andrew Malcolm

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Does he talk?" The parrot says, "Not without a Teleprompter." Monday mornings, the best of late-night. And no need to go out; just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photos: Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts; Hamid Mir / Reuters (al-Zawahiri); AFP / Getty Images (Thousands of Chinese students make their way into exams in Wuhan).

Comments

[Ebony Davis]

i want imformation on this particluar passage. Thanks!

[Ebony Davis]

and we basically have nothing to worry about because the man is dead may he rest in peace without our country attacking his people.

[Satish Chandra]

I am India's expert in strategic defence and the father of India's strategic program, including the Integrated Guided Missile Development Program and in my blog titled 'Nuclear Supremacy For India Over U.S.', which can be found by a Yahoo search with the title, I have shown that all terrorism and insurgencies in the Indian subcontinent and in much of the rest of the world are sponsored by the C.I.A. Both Pakistan's ISI and India's RAW function as branches of the C.I.A. and participate in terrorism and insurgencies throughout the subcontinent, under direction of the C.I.A. (Within the above blog look for 'What You Should Know About RAW').The goal of the U.S. invasion and occupation of Afghanistan and partial occupation of Pakistan is eventual occupation and overt colonial rule over the subcontinent as a whole; India is already under covert CIA rule, through RAW. To end this, India has said that five to six nuclear bombs have been prepositioned in various cities/countries such as New Delhi, Washington and New York -- see my blog -- for the nuclear destruction of New Delhi, Washington and New York and later the coast-to-coast destruction of the United States. Satish Chandra

[morris wise]

Superpowers no longer fight one another, their energy is now focused on defeating psychopathic loners. They are the drug lords and cult leaders who have at their command thousands of drug mules and suicide bombers. It is difficult ferreting them out; most super villains live in places where even roaches or rodents do not dare go.

[vkmo]

SEALs should have brought back Osama's wives. Waterboarding can be done in a hot tub, bubble bath or jacuzzi.