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Late-night's best: Obama's campaign, Yogi Bear, Glenn Beck's bye-bye and Kelly Ripa's waxing

As The Ticket's 62,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,600 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above.

Here's the usual Monday morning collection (except it's on Tuesday this week):

 Button Obama Blaming Bush Since 2002Conan: President Obama announces his 2012 reelection bid. However, his popularity is so low, he's running on the slogan “I’m Michelle Obama’s Husband.”

Fallon: New study says families with two daughters are the happiest. Unless, of course, their dad currently has a 42% approval rating.

Leno: President Obama says he misses being anonymous. He should be careful what he wishes for -- 2012 is just around the corner.

SNL: Pittsburgh police say prostitutes there are now taking credit cards. So, on the one hand a sad, desperate sexual encounter at night. On the other hand, airline miles.

Fallon: New York lawmakers are deciding if corn should be the official state vegetable. Because....

...when people come to New York, their first thought is, I’ve gotta try the corn!

Fallon: Kelly Ripa got her own wax figure at Madame Tussaud's. It’s pretty realistic –- in fact, Regis spent over an hour not letting it talk.Kelly Ripa Kelly Ripa and Regis Philbin at Mme Tussauds

Fallon: New rumors that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have now adopted a child from Tunisia. So only two more countries to go!

Letterman: New York City like the whole country is in such bad financial shape they laid off the pest control workers. I know what you're saying, New York City has pest control workers?

Letterman: This possible government shutdown was so serious Obama thought he'd have to suspend all three wars.

Fallon: If the government had shut down, the White House was planning to lay off non-essential staff -- interns, pages, Biden.

Conan: I was kind of hoping for that government shutdown: That means the national parks would be closed. So there could be no sequel to that Yogi Bear movie.

Leno: Hard to believe that just two weeks ago people in Washington were making jokes about shutting down the government in Libya.

Leno: A mixed week for President Obama. He still can’t get rid of Libya’s Kadafi. But he did manage to get Glenn Beck off Fox News.Kate Middleton on a windy day 4-11

Fallon: The White House says Obama won't be fully campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before getting serious, like he did with being president.

SNL: So at the last minute President Obama and congressional leaders reached a deal on the federal budget, averting a shutdown at the last moment. Kind of the same way I pay my cable bill.

Leno: Those pilots who had a hole burst in the top of plane were so cool. They made a smooth emergency landing without waking up the air traffic controllers.

Conan: Starbucks' CEO says he'll expand his coffee shops into a grocery business. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to buy a four dollar tomato.

Leno: An to Denver flight had a sudden warning light. The pilot managed to turn around and return to the field. That’s when you know it’s a really dangerous situation --when Oakland is safer.

Fallon: Fox adds new shows to appeal to growing Latino population. My favorite is abt that doctor with a cane who plays by his own rules –- ‘Casa.’

Leno: Tough break from new research. It seems human happiness peaks in the 80s. Unfortunately, most of us die in our 70s.

Leno: According to a survey, 10% of women feel sad after sex and 90% of men are unaware because they’re in the kitchen making a sandwich.

SNL: It was reported that Kate Middleton will have six hairstylists helping her on her wedding day. And if I understand the role of princess correctly, all of those stylists will be cartoon bluebirds.

Related:

Late-night's best: Hillary Clinton, Harry Houdini and Kenya on Obama's birth

Late-night's best: Libya, Libya, Zuckerberg and Libya

Late-night's best: Obama's NCAA picks, life expectancy and Al Qaeda fashion

Late-night's best: Arnold's return, Trump's trick and Michelle's diet

Late-night's best: Anne Taylor, Aretha and Kadafi's hats

Late-night's best: Kadafi loses controls, Rahm Emanuel wins control and Harry Reid on hookers 

Late-night's best: The Kardashians, Twitter, Home Depot and a 1 HP Lamborghini

-- Andrew Malcolm

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Does he talk?" The parrot says, "Not without a Teleprompter." Monday mornings, the best of late-night. And no need to go out; just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photos: Andrew Malcolm; Bennett Raglin / Getty Images; Alastair Grant / Getty Images (Middleton).

 
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I like this. I don't have to stay up so late. :)

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About the Columnist
A veteran foreign and national correspondent, Andrew Malcolm has served on the L.A. Times Editorial Board and was a Pulitzer finalist in 2004. He is the author of 10 nonfiction books and father of four. Read more.
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