Late-night's best: Harry Houdini, Hillary Clinton and Kenya speaks out on Obama's birthplace
As The Ticket's 62,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,600 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above.
Here's the usual Monday morning collection:
Letterman: So now the CIA is arming the Libyan rebels. Great! You know what that means? In 10 years we'll be fighting THEM.
Fallon: Big show biz news: TLC will air new episodes of ‘Kate Plus 8’ starting this week. And they’re going to KEEP airing them until Kadafi steps down.
Fallon: President Obama says the U.S. has ‘clear and focused’ goals in Libya. Says he will share those goals with us as soon as Hillary shares them with him.
Conan: President Obama reportedly scheduled his speech on Libya so it would not interfere with “Dancing With the Stars.” So as of now the Obama policy is: “Willing to embroil us in a third war, but not willing to interrupt the Karate Kid’s Macarena.”
Fallon: Yes, Obama's Libya speech was timed to avoid DWTS. That's ridiculous. It's a major historical event that affects millions. I can't believe that show was nearly interrupted by Obama's speech.
Leno: So, finally President Obama addressed the nation on Libya. This changes his previous policy on Libya, which was "don't ask, don't tell.'
Leno: I love this part: Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it "a kinetic military action." Which sounds better than "potential endless quagmire."
Letterman: Speaking of Libya, Obama says we're staying only....
Conan: Al Qaeda magazine's spring issue profiles Libya's Kadafi. It also features a piece on women's fitness called, “Death to Cottage-Cheese Thighs!”
Leno: No opening day baseball pitches for President Obama this year. Unless you count that curveball he threw us on Libya.
SNL: Sure hope Kadafi has learned his lesson. If you don't relinquish power, we will bomb you for two weeks. Every 27 years. Like clockwork.
Leno: President Obama called Joe Biden into the Oval Office Friday to ask for his advice on Libya. Joe sat down. Obama said, "April Fools!"
Fallon: President Obama's approval rating hits all-time low 42%. To put that in context, that escaped Bronz Zoo cobra has an approval rating of 43%.
Letterman: So this Moussa Koussa guy defects from Kadafi's regime. Been with Kadafi for 30 years. Yeh, he started in the mail bomb room.
Leno: President Obama's approval rating is now at a new all-time low. In fact, it's so low that Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.
Fallon: A reporter in Florida says he was forced into a closet by Joe Biden’s staff to keep him from talking to guests at another fundraiser. The guy said it wouldn’t have been so bad, if Biden wasn’t already in there for the same reason.
Conan: Maine Republicans are trying to relax child labor law to allow younger kids to work more. That explains Maine's new license plate motto: “Back to work, Timmy."
Conan: A new company promises guys a pretend Facebook girlfriend for others to see. Another engineering triumph from the folks at Sadtronics.
Fallon: The Census Bureau says that 50 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S. You know what that means -– 800 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S.
Leno: Another Harvard survey says 55% of college students still approve of President Obama’s job performance. That will probably change the minute they graduate and try to find a job.
Fallon: Some sad news, you guys. The pizza chain ‘Sbarro's’ is filing for bankruptcy. I’m sorry, Sbankruptcy.
Conan: Los Angeles holds a meeting to debate if building a 100,000 seat NFL stadium in the middle of downtown would make traffic worse. The meeting lasted nine seconds.
Letterman: So Denny’s has a new dessert item: A chocolate sundae topped with smoked bacon bits. All part of Michelle Obama’s national healthy diet program.
Leno: Dorothy Young dies at 103. Magician Harry Houdini's stage assistant. Her last words: "Tada!"
Late-night's best: Libya, Libya, Zuckerberg and Libya
Late-night's best: Obama's NCAA picks, life expectancy and Al Qaeda fashion
Late-night's best: Arnold's return, Trump's trick and Michelle's diet
Late-night's best: Anne Taylor, Aretha and Kadafi's hats
-- Andrew Malcolm
Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Does he talk?" The parrot says, "Not without a Teleprompter." Monday mornings, the best of late-night. And no need to go out; just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.
Photos: Houdini Archives; Andrew Malcolm; ICEF Roderick Eubanks / U.S. Navy (Tomahawk missiles launch from USS Barry on Libya, March 19, 2011).