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Late-night joke collection: Obama, Oprah, Pelosi, Biden, Bush and that Chilean miner

November 15, 2010 |  6:12 am

G 20 Group photo 11-12-10 where's waldo?

As The Ticket's 54,000 Twitter followers here and 6,300+ Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast. Here's our regular Monday morning collection No. 4:

Conan: Former President George W. Bush was on Oprah to talk about his new book, "Decision Points." Asked what it’s like to be leader of the free world, Oprah said, "It's not bad."

Fallon: A new study finds that kids who use the Internet right before bed are likely to suffer mood problems. And kids who don’t use the Internet right before bed are likely to be Amish.

Leno: President Obama's foreign policies have been such a disaster that people in Kenya are now claiming he has an American birth certificate.

Leno: Nancy Pelosi lost the House speaker's job in that disastrous midterm vote for....

...Democrats. But she plans a party to celebrate anyway. If you want to get her a gift, she's registered at Bed, Bath and Don't Blame Me.

Leno: Pres. Obama was out of the country after last week's elections. But he's keeping in close touch with Vice President Joe Biden to see when its safe to return.

Conan: Tough days for Pres. Obama. 20,000 angry demonstrators protested his visit to Indonesia. Apparently, 3 out of 4 Indonesians believe he’s an American.Democrat president Barack Obama enjoys a large laugh before the recent midterm elections 10-31-10

Fallon: Did you hear about the new book by some Indonesian guy? It's the longest book in the world, 5,742 pages? Its called "One of Obama's Speeches."

Leno: Long trip for Pres. Obama. This week he was in India to visit our jobs and next he goes to China to visit our money.

Fallon: Now it comes out those 33 freed Chile miners joked about cannibalism during their 69 days underground. And if you don't believe them, ask the 34th miner.

Letterman: A unique thing about the New York City Marathon. When they shoot the starter's pistol, people fire back.

Letterman: Remember that miner from Chile who ran in the NYC marathon? Amazing story. Then he had to be rescued from a pothole on 92d Street.

Letterman: Turns out that one Chilean miner had a wife and not one but TWO girlfriends. And he wanted rescued? Anyway, one more girlfriend and he can join the PGA tour.

Fallon: I don't get it. When you go to watch and cheer marathon runners going by, you're a nice, supportive guy. When you go to the gym and watch a someone run, you're some kind of weirdo.

Fallon: Reports out that Sally Field will be in the next Spiderman movie. It's the one where Spiderman fights his old nemesis, decreased bone density.

Letterman: So word is Donald Trump might run for president. I think its true. He's not the kind of guy who'd stage something like that just for publicity.Where's Waldo?

Letterman: This whole daylight time thing is confusing. All day the next day there were toner cartridges from Yemen going off an hour early.

Conan: NASA is working on a robot capable of running the International Space Station. The project was reported in the “Journal of Things That Could Never Possibly Go Wrong.”

Fallon: Travelers can now get flu shots at JFK Airport here in New York City. That’s really good, because whenever I see how things are run at airports, my first thought is, ‘These people should be in charge of MORE things.’

Letterman: Another celebrity divorce. I mean, if Charlie Sheen and his wife can't make a go of it, what chance do the rest of us have?

Fallon: Did you hear about the woman who gave birth in a NYC cab? Her husband knew they weren't going to make it to the hospital in time. Her contractions were coming every $4.60.

Related Items:

Late-night joke collection No. 3: Betty White and Jerry Brown

Late-night joke collection No. 2: Joe Biden, NPR, Osama bin Laden and Charlie

Late-night joke collection: No. 1

Top 10 weirdest moments of the 2010 election campaign

-- Andrew Malcolm

So, this blog reader walks into a bar.....Every Monday morning, the best of late-night. And no need to go out, just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photo: Charles Dharapak / Associated Press (G-20 leaders play "Where's Waldo?" during a break in the inaction at their summit meeting in Seoul, 11-12-10); Larry Downing / Reuters (Obama enjoys a large laugh at a campaign rally before the recent midterm elections).

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