Late Night: Stephen Colbert on ‘knowledge-free’ GOP candidates

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On Tuesday, the seemingly never-ending Republican presidential primary race made its way to Mississippi and Alabama. The move into the Deep South sparked a round of obvious -- and frequently awkward -- pandering from the contenders, who boasted of their love of guns, grits and other stereotypically Southern things.

According to Stephen Colbert, during their swing through Dixie, the GOP candidates also went out of their to be as ‘’plainspoken’ (read: ‘willfully ignorant’) as possible. As he put it, ‘There is no topic that these gentlemen cannot explain using phrases no more complex than ‘I like to eat y’all’s cheesy grits.’’

First up was Rick Santorum, who chastised President Obama about his concern over global warming: ‘The dangers of carbon dioxide? Tell that to a plant, how dangerous carbon dioxide is.’ In response, Colbert introduced viewers to his houseplant, Robert, a misguided Obama supporter. ‘Bobby, do you want Barack Obama taking away carbon dioxide that you need for photosynthesis?’ he asked. ‘Read a book, OK? They’re made of you.’

Mitt Romney also mocked the president’s energy policy, claiming that ‘you can’t drive a car with a windmill on it.’ Colbert agreed with Romney’s statement, but for a different reason. ‘If you put a windmill on top a car, where does the dog go?’ he asked, a reference to the now-infamous rooftop journey endured long ago by Romney’s Irish setter, Seamus.

But even Romney’s colorfully misleading imagery would not be enough to seal his victory. That’s because, according to Colbert, ‘nobody but nobody is better at keeping it knowledge-free than Newt Gingrich.’ The former House speaker said Obama is ‘in cloud cuckoo land’ because he supports research into algae-based biofuels.

‘You can’t make this stuff up. But Newt can, because Exxon has committed $600 million to developing this technology ... in cloud cuckoo land,’ Colbert said, adding, ‘Besides, algae fuel is never going to be able to power the spaceships that will take us to Newt’s completely feasible moon colony.’

Colbert expressed his wish that the Republican candidates had been around years ago to explain the ‘stupid truth’ of other new technologies, such as the telephone and penicillin.

‘Hold on there, sport. You want to cure my syphilis with mold you grew on a hunk of bread? No thanks, I prefer to remain blind and insane,’ Colbert joked. ‘And I’m pretty sure these gentlemen feel the same way.’

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-- Meredith Blake
twitter.com/MeredithBlake