3 reasons why a punishing hangover is a good thing
I recently came across an ad for something called the Bytox patch, which claims that it can prevent a hangover if you put it on 45 minutes before consuming large quantities of alcohol. Supposedly the patch delivers a mix of vitamins and minerals that are depleted when you, say, down several martinis and follow it up with a shot of tequila, thus restoring your body's natural balance so you can "party in style."
At first I was like, "Wow, awesome! Where's that bottle of Stoli I hid in my desk?"
But seconds later, when I really thought about it, I realized that drinking large quantities of alcohol without risking a hangover is a really bad idea. Here are the top three reasons why:
1. There is no way to "party in style" after you've had more than three drinks. By the time you are on No. 4, you are probably slurring to somebody at the bar about that time you saw a Milli Vanilli concert in junior high and didn't know they were lip synching. By the time you've had six you are dribbling mustard from an L.A. dog down your party dress.
2. Hangovers are the only things that actually make you say, "I will NEVER drink again." Never mind that three hours later you are chugging Bloody Marys, you know, just to regain your balance. But at least for a few hours you really meant it.
3. If you don't wake up with a hangover, how do you excuse yourself from making out with that person who looked like a cross between Ashton Kutcher and Brad Pitt last night but suddenly looks more like Don Rickles? Think about it.
I offer you this in the name of a safe, healthy holiday season with a sane regimen of drinking. After all, there can be no real pleasure without the threat of punishment.
Photo: Nastassja Kinski performs a dance on an oversized martini glass in Francis Ford Coppola's delirious movie "One From the Heart." Courtesy of American Zoetrope, 2003.