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Late-night jokes: Obama bus tour takes a detour

August 15, 2011 | 10:24 am

Aretha Franklin

As The Ticket's 71,000-plus Twitter followers here and 7,000 Facebook friends/fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the "Share" buttons above.

Leno: President Obama is off on his three-state bus tour this week. I believe the three states are Confusion, Delusion and Desperation.

Fallon: London security people worry over riots at next year's Olympics. But, hey, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.

Conan: Did you hear Aretha Franklin sang herself out of a parking ticket? Michael Bolton tried the same thing and got life.

Leno: President Obama says the credit downgrade should give Americans a renewed sense of urgency? Renewed sense? When was this ever not urgent?

Leno: More fallout from that Standard & Poor's credit downgrading of the U.S.. Today England, France and Germany unfriended us on Facebook.

Conan: A new report says that due to the weak economy, more Americans are cancelling their cable television. All I can say is, good luck trying to live without eight shows about cakes.

Leno: Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner will stay on with President Obama and not join the private sector. Thanks to his economic policies there are no private sector jobs.

Fallon: It's been a tough year for the N.Y. Yankees. They lost all four series against the Boston Red Sox. So today S&P downgraded the Yankees to the Mets.

Leno: Great day today! Obama didn't speak. Congress didn't act. Experts on vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There's a lesson in there.

Conan: Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor will be a "Sesame Street" guest this year. The Bert and Ernie filefirst time a justice has been on the show since Justice Breyer ruled that Bert & Ernie could be called “roommates.”

Leno: A new report out says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: Last year they were worth $5 million.

Fallon: Obama took some campaign volunteers out for burgers the otherday and apparently he left a 35% tip. Oh man, that guy is SO generous… with China’s money.

Conan: China is increasingly angry over the U.S. debt situation, the credit downgrade and our ability to repay $1.2 trillion. So we probably shouldn't mention that last week we spent $65 million to watch the Smurfs movie.

Fallon: About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike over a new contract. Things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from Verizon to AT&T.

Conan: The 45th Star Trek convention was in Las Vegas recently. The city's new motto: "What happens in Las Vegas is probably happening for the first time."

Fallon: A South Carolina company is selling a device that tracks how many bites of food you have daily. I think we already have one: It's called your butt.


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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photos: Ron Edmonds / Associated Press (Franklin singing); Eduardo Patino, file.