Opinion: Doomsday May 21 end of the world rapture judgment day; Questions before The End

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End of the World May 21? May 21 Judgment Day? The Rapture? Doomsday?

Whatever you call it. Likely very few people believe the world is really going to end Saturday (Pacific time). It simply can’t. We just mailed the mortgage check. Planted a tree. Made a college housing deposit.

And what apocalypse arranger would dare interfere with the Real Good Talker’s weekend golf game?

Obama has so much yet undone. He’s not quite finished demolishing America’s longstanding relationship with Israel. There are numerous taxes yet unraised. Several billion dollars left to spend. Still a few Harvard alums who don’t work for the federal government.

And think of all those speeches Obama’s still got left in him: ‘Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Please be seated. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.’ Oratorical skills like that don’t come along just every milennium.

Looking at the grim week Newt Gingrich just had, however, we are inclined to be careful about dismissing the possibility of earthly life winding down this weekend.

Not to mention Air Force One’s missed landing in Hartford. That colossal planet-sized storm currently enveloping Saturn. Forecasters’ prediction of 10 behemoth hurricanes this year. The Lakers’ playoff plop. Saturday’s Iceland volcano eruption.

Maybe Rev. Huckabee knew something about this weekend when he announced against a presidential run last weekend.

You’ll notice too, that just to be on the safe side, Tim Pawlenty scheduled his presidential campaign announcement for Monday -- as you’d expect from a stingy Republican.

That way if everything does end here in the next few hours, he won’t have to pay for all the signs, risers and audio equipment, which will be vaporized along with the NFL season, which is dying anyway.

Doomsday will also leave some important questions unanswered:

Would Sarah Palin have really tried to run this time? What new way can Joe Biden screw up verbally? What is Steadman’s commitment problem anyway? Do frequent flyer miles carry over to the hereafter? Do they have Daylight Time there or is Hell like Arizona -- because I already changed my watch?

Who gets the last Tweet? Will Facebook add another Relationship choice: Called Up? (Sent Down?)

What were the creative guys thinking (or smoking) when they settled on selling that erectile dysfunction drug with a man and a woman in separate bathtubs on the front lawn? (And what do you suppose future archaeologists will think about 21st century human sacrifices when they dig up that petrified scene?)

Of course, everyone being summoned somewhere wouldn’t be all bad:

A permanent recess for those congressional clowns. Bedbugs and Bill Maher would probably survive somehow. But at least no more Charlie Sheen and Joy Behar. Traffic might be more manageable, in a Mad Max kind of way. And, finally, a permanent end to venti price hikes at Starbucks.

See you Monday. Maybe.

(UPDATE: Saturday 6:02 p.m. Pacific: Well, so far so good. We’re still here and no reported probl.....

-- Andrew Malcolm

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