Opinion: Late-night’s best: Al Gore, Hillary Clinton, snowstorms, Joe B. and Hosni M.
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As The Ticket’s 58,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,500 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to with friends with the share buttons above. Here’s the regular Monday morning collection from the previous week:
Fallon: Sen. Joe Lieberman is writing a new book about the Jewish Sabbath called ‘Gift of Rest.’ I hear he’s working on it 24-6.
Leno: Oil companies warn the Egypt troubles may lead to increased gas prices. What doesn’t? Egypt. Snowstorm. Snooki’s book. American Idol.
Letterman: So Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has announced he will not seek another rigged election.
Leno: You notice half the Egypt protest signs are in English so Americans will understand? The other half are in Spanish to get everyone.
Letterman: Now those Egyptian protesters are angry at the United States. Boy, I didn’t see that one coming.
Leno: Hillary Clinton says the Obama administration is not working toward....
... any specific Egypt outcome. Isn’t that the same policy they have toward the economy? O’Brien: Good news — Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak announced he will not run for another term as president. The bad news is,this spring he’s taking over for Regis.
Letterman: How about that crisis in Egypt? They’ve cut off the cellphones. They’ve cut of the Internet. It’s just like visiting your parents’ house.
O’Brien: With thousands of protestors in the streets, Egypt shuts down the Internet. Little advice: If you want people to stay home and do nothing, turn it on.
O’Brien: State Department tells Americans trying to fly out of Egypt to bring their own food and water to the airport. Also a plane.
O’Brien: Many celebrities tweeting about the Egyptian unrest. Larry King even offered to go to Egypt and personally speak to the pharaoh.
O’Brien: I’ve got some bad news for L.A. residents: In a survey of 35 cities, Los Angeles ranked second to last in “intelligence.” Residents of L.A. were outraged after the report was explained to them slowly.
O’Brien: This week we have Groundhog Day. In L.A. that’s when the groundhog emerges and tells us whether we’ll have six more weeks of awards shows.
O’Brien: Tomorrow is Facebook’s 7th birthday. Just think -- seven years ago –- you were only in touch with people from high school you LIKED.
Fallon: Crazy weather. Midwest gets a foot of snow, ice pellets in Dallas, freezing in New York. I was complaining about that all day to my friends in Egypt.
Leno: Chicago is expecting something like 20 inches of snow. In fact, Rahm Emanuel is telling people he’s glad he doesn’t really live there.
Leno: Al Gore blamed the unusual storms and all the snow and cold on global warming upsetting the natural balance of the entire planet. Then Tipper said, ‘Al, just pay the kid for shoveling the walk.’
O’Brien: Rahm Emanuel helping dig Chicagoans out of the snow. But he’s not helping his campaign by saying, “Thank God I don’t live here.”
Letterman: These winter storms are awful, all across the country. In Chicago, it’s so bad that no new relatives have been able to reach Oprah.
O’Brien: Scientists discover an Amazon tribe that’s never had contact with the outside world. And even they’re sick of those Geico commercials.
Leno: Nice story. Those Chilean miners visited Disneyland. Sixty-nine days underground they can handle. But three minutes of ‘Its a Small World’ and they were screaming.
O’Brien: This weekend’s Super Bowl was the first ever without cheerleaders. Apparently, they couldn’t find any women willing to cheer for Ben Roethlisberger.
Leno: Joe Biden’s advice for the unemployed: ‘Hang in there.’ What a difference two years makes. Remember ‘Hope and Change’? Now its ‘Hang in there.’
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-- Andrew Malcolm
Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says, ‘Does he talk?’ Parrot says, ‘Not without a Teleprompter.’ Every Monday morning, the best of late-night. And no need to go out, just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We’re also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.