Opinion: One final official Obama warning about D-Day Friday, as in Digital TV

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Many things are absolutely essential to American civilization -- cars, cellphones, microwaves, laptops, drive-thrus, iPods, politics blogs, fourth-grade band concerts, double-cheeseburgers, electricity, voicemail, tooth whiteners, refrigerator magnets and ‘No. 1 Grandpa’ license plate holders. Also toilet paper.

But right up there somewhere on that list would also be television, that amazing contraption that some people can well remember a pretty good life without back when movies and radio were essential.

Which is why it’s so understandable that Gary Locke (below), President Obama’s second choice for Commerce secretary, who didn’t have problems with income taxes or a federal grand jury, would issue another urgent warning to ‘Unprepared Consumers’ about this Friday’s looming deadline.

The Obama White House issued its own alert last week, even while the boss with the suddenly prominent middle name was busy nudging Israel while appealing to the world’s 1.5 billion Muslims.

June 12 is the new D-Day, Digital Day, the absolute shut-off, no-sound, blank-screen deadline for conversion to digital TV, already postponed once from last winter.

Let us be very clear: Obama has been very clear he will grant no extensions. Not even if the NBA Finals go that long.

But, then, he’s probably got satellite.

Not that the makers of digital conversion boxes had any influence over Congress requiring this change from rabbit-ear antennas that worked pretty well if you touched them just right for, oh, about three generations.

The public reason given is that firefighters and police need the old frequencies to order pizzas and donuts. Also the fake grass will look sharper during NFL games.

Whatever.

In an actual news release direct from his department, Locke said: ‘I urge consumers who use an older television not on cable or satellite to take the necessary steps to ensure that they can continue receiving the news and information they rely on after June 12.’

A clear slam against commercial entertainment programming.

It turns out that in addition to controlling giant banks and insurance companies and taking majority ownership in GM, the federal government is now in the consumer coupon business, offering $40 coupons for people to convert their older TVs.

Analog TV households (or coupon speculators) can acquire a maximum of ...

... two 90-day coupons per address up until July 31 ‘while supplies last.’

Locke says coupons can be given to family members, but cannot be sold. Good luck enforcing that one.

But -- and here’s the catch -- in his bipartisan warning Locke tells millions of Americans that application for the conversion coupon takes nine full business days -- as in 216 hours plus 48 more for the intervening weekend. A total of 264 hours if everything goes well. Which is Pony Express speed in the real world. But in a Washington full of change, that’s like lightning.

So even if you stopped reading this vital blog item this very second to apply for your digital TV conversion coupon, there is absolutely no chance that you will get it before the deadline. None. Too late. Out of luck. Up a creek. The worst television crisis since some president spoke to the nation on the tube in 1929, which didn’t really happen, although Democratic VP Joe Biden recalled it after his nearly 40 years in the Senate waiting for Obama to grow up.

As shocking as it may seem, such a vast TV blackout means that millions of Americans who want millions of other Americans to help subsidize their old TVs could potentially face an entire week -- or more -- of life without Mary Hart and Billy Mays and the jokey local weatherman.

That an affluent America which could at one time send men to the moon would allow that kind of social suffering in 2009 is beyond comprehension. What’s a few billion more? Since no one can count the deficit anyway, perhaps the feds should buy every American a new TV and require they be made in, say, Illinois. How about a digital czar?

If President Obama decided during those nine days of coupon processing to address the world’s largest religious community -- the 2.1 billion Christians -- or the 900 million Hindus or even the 2,704 remaining Episcopalians (most of them feuding bishops), the coupon-waiting households would be unable to watch No. 44 on over-the-air TV.

Which may help explain why Secretary Locke seems in such a hurry.

-- Andrew Malcolm

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