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ALERT: This item contains secrets of an unidentified female presidential candidate named Clinton and 2 new backers who can't be ID'd but you might guess if you read this

May 9, 2008 |  5:37 pm

The Ticket* has been tipped off by a secret source that we cannot reveal that an unnamed ex-diplomat and his wife, who has a name but we're nSecret photo of a new backer of a female Democratic candidate named Hillary Clinton who can't be identified because he likes to sue people who identify him or his wife see belowot saying she used to be a CIA operative, are about to endorse a certain female Democratic candidate for president. But we can't say who.

That's because the unidentified couple, who were so secretive they drove around Washington in a convertible sports car and posed for photographs in fashion magazines, seem prepared to sue anybody who ever identifies them doing anything except the publicity they want.

So watch out, K.R.!

Not that this will give anything away but the husband was allA secret photo of an unidentified new backer of New York Senator Hillary Clinton who also can't be identified because some say she used to work for the CIA but she doesn't now but that could really be a trickegedly involved in tracking down some no-longer-with-us Middle Eastern dictator's non-existent but credible plans to acquire yellowcake uranium in some very hot place in Africa, which could be used in constructing nuclear weapons. (The yellowcake, not the hot place.) Although The Ticket can't really talk about that a lot right now.

So, anyway, the ex-diplomat thought that some other unidentified people in the unnamed blandly-colored office/house where the president of the United States works when his unidentified daughter is not getting married was trying, in fact, to discredit him by identifying his still unnamed wife as a secret agent, although a lot of....

...other people knew all about her all along and let her name slip because they didn't realize it was supposed to be a secret, which it was. But, apparently, not much of a secret. If Robert Novak knew about it.

Hard to tell without the heads if these are the wannabe president's two new secret supporters who can't be identified because of their important diplomatic and spy work but it's probably not them because if they didn't want to be identified, why would they go to fancy galas and stop to pose for photographers?

Though her husband said he thought the leak that really wasn't was really retaliation for a critical article he wrote for a newspaper we won't mention because it's not ours against the ongoing war in an unnamed country that ends in ...q. So he sued anyway.

Hard to tell without their heads if these are the two secret supporters of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton but probably not because if they were really interested in protecting their identity why would they go out in public like this and pose for a photographer?

And then a special prosecutor went after someone with a funny nickname who used to work for the V.P. of the U.S. and who turned out not to have leaked the information after all, which the prosecutor apparently knew all along, so Mr. Nickname was convicted of something else anyway and given a prison sentence that a president pardoned.

But the real news is that this ex-diplomat (and we're not saying or denying that his initials are J.W.) and his wife, who is not the V.P. but those letters might tip you off to her civilian identity so forget you read them here, will be outed for their presidential endorsement in an ad being clandestinely prepared by consultants for this certain unnamed female candidate, who also might happen to be a New York senator. (It's not Chuck Schumer.)

Because the ad is secret, it will be broadcast in Oregon so no one will see it. Unless some of the many anti-Iraq war opponents there happen upon it and start to think better of the female candidate before the Oregon primary, which could be the point because she's still running despite impossible odds that are worsening.

Anyway, that's all we can say about it right now because some lawyers are on the phone.

-- "Andrew Malcolm"

* Note to Readers: Although the subject listings just below here say the story involves 'Mormonism,' we put that in there to throw certain unnamed people off the track of what this item was really about. Just don't spread that around. Same for 'Humor' and 'Satire.'

Photo credits: Unavailable