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Patrick Goldstein and James Rainey
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Ho! Ho! Ho! Is Michael Bay the Santa Claus of summer movies?

May 6, 2009 |  2:00 pm


Going on the assumption that Michael Bay is essentially the Kris Kringle of summer movies, providing kids with an intoxicating sack full of robots, explosions and visual effects mayhem every year or so, Patrick Schumaker of came up with the idea: What would little kids have to say if they wrote those cute little hope-filled Christmas wish letters to Bay instead of Santa Claus? 

It's hard to imagine that anyone could top the Onion's recent hilariously merciless attack on Bay, which feaured a mock news story with the headline "Michael Bay Signs $50 Million Deal to [Mess] Up 'ThunderCats.' " But Schumaker has a wonderful deadpan comic ear, imagining what an all-too-movie-savvy kid might have to say to an all-too-movie-savvy summer circus master. Here are a few highlights:

Dear Michael Bay,

You are rich. What about instead of blowing up a bunch of robots in your next movie, you instead have them have a nice dinner together and just talk? Then with all the money you save, you can feed homeless people. Then in Transformers 4, the homeless people will be strong enough to run, and you can have the robots chase them and kill them for real.

Sam Huntington, age 9, Orlando, Fla.

Dear Michael Bay,

Will you blow up my stepdad? He doesn't like me and is always sexing my mom.

Billy Su, age 8, Chicago

Dear Michael Bay,

I watched the first Transformer movie. Why did Optimus Prime not have Sam put the allspark in his chest in the beginning? It seems selfish. My Sunday school teacher tells us not to be selfish. But I like Optimus Prime more than Jesus because Jesus can only fly and stuff. Who is right?

Brian Warner, age 7, Modesto, Calif.

Dear Michael Bay,

My mom says you is my father. She an extra on the set of Bad Boys 2 and I was conceived during the car chase scene. Are you my papi? I include a picture of me.

Martin Lawrence Will Smith Gonzalez, age 6, Havana, Cuba

Photo: Gary Friedman / Los Angeles Times