At Esquire, it’s a man’s man’s man’s world

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If you were the top editor at Esquire and the new May issue led off with the piece ’66 Men to Emulate,’ wouldn’t you put George Clooney on the cover too -- even if he didn’t actually give you an interview or anything? (He did rank No. 2 in the emulation department, with the description: ‘Eats class for breakfast.’)

I mean, shouldn’t Clooney start charging appearance fees to be on men’s magazine covers, since being on the cover when he has nothing to promote clearly does the magazine far more good than it does him? But I digress. (In fairness, Clooney’s publicist says the magazine did ask permission to use the image.)

I couldn’t avoid being intrigued by the ‘Men to Emulate’ issue. It’s not because it’s an especially accurate barometer of American male hero worship, since its the product of a tiny statistical sampling -- i.e. a group of overeducated magazine editors in upscale Manhattan. But as the father of a 10-year-old boy, I’m fascinated by the whole male emulation game, since my son, whose heroes are largely athletes, already has staked out a set of mysterious emulation criteria. For example, when it comes to NBA stars, he worships LeBron James and Kevin Garnett but loathes Kobe Bryant, who he knows is just as great a player as LeBron, but views as a bossy, personality-free perfectionist, not a gravity-defying, game-winning machine.

Oddly enough, out of all its ‘Men to Emulate,’ Esquire only lists one current NBA star, the long-ago over-the-hill Shaquille O’Neal, perhaps because New York -- heh, heh -- doesn’t have a real NBA team. No collegiate hoops stars either, even though NCAA champion North Carolina’s Ty Lawson is surely a point guard worthy of emulation. Nope, just the obvious -- New York baseball icon Derek Jeter, Arizona Cardinals receiver Larry Fitzgerald (who’s actually No. 1 on the whole list!) and Colts QB Peyton Manning.

But here’s what else is interesting about the list. It’s way, way top-heavy with male actors, who apparently in Esquire Land are still considered the epitome of cool when it comes to manly pursuits. After Clooney, here’s who else made the cut, along with Esquire’s view of their studliness. (Let’s just say, to be kind, that in certain instances, the magazine is handing out accolades in the hopes of attracting a few more willing cover subjects):

Liam Neeson (Class.)

Jeff Bridges (Great actor. Fine photographer. The Dude.)

Josh Brolin (Coolest dead-eyed stare in movies today. Maybe ever.)

Russell Crowe (He takes his work seriously, but he doesn’t cheapen it by talking about his craft.)

Patrick Swayze (The man is dying. He will die. Soon. So look at the way he lives his life as he dies.)

Javier Bardem (A man who’s way more than a bad haircut.)

James Caan (He always seemed tougher than you, always seemed to know better.)

Chris Rock (The guy can’t act. There is no movie in which he is even the least little bit good.... But...)

Philip Seymour Hoffman (The last great fat man.)

Mickey Rourke (The only actor alive who can make you believe that the sound of an elbow pounding into the palm of a hand is the sound of a father’s heart.)