Ted Green: What we really know about the NBA Finals

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Please allow me to cut through the endless, tiresome analysis of the NBA Finals. This is actually all we really know after the first two games:

Kobe is showing so much teeth, I thought I was watching ‘True Blood’ on HBO. For breakfast, his kids must love Count Chocula.

Jeff Van Gundy says he’s Stan’s younger brother, but I’d still like to see their birth certificates.

During the Staples Center intros, SVG looked as happy as a death-row inmate. He may be a terrific coach, but he’s a little lacking in the championship-body-language department.

Go Fish: If he never hits another shot again on his way to picking up his AARP card, there are reasons Derek Fisher has Phil Jackson’s complete trust, and they’re on full display in these Finals.

Dwight Howard, I have seen Superman and you, sir, are no Superman.

If Rafer Alston is a New York playground legend, there must have been an awful lot of short, fat kids on his playground in a remote part of Staten Island.

Ozzie Nelson is readier to play in the Finals than Jameer, and Ozzie’s been dead for a long time.

Hedo Turkoglu can’t make an offensive move without using his off arm. He-sure-Do push off a lot.

Lamar and the rest of the Lakers are playing hard, committed defense, but they’ve got to be missing a million assignments if a lethal shooter like Rashard Lewis is left more alone than Greta Garbo.

That courtside tantrum was Jack’s best meltdown since he asked for a plain omelet and chicken salad on wheat toast in ‘Five Easy Pieces.’

If you have three NBA refs, all earning more than six figures, and not one of them sees Howard reach straight up through the net and rim to block a shot, are they not sort of guessing on 80% of the other calls?

Lamar is leaving the Lakers no other choice but to repay him with a new contract. Ditto Trevor Ariza. And Dr. Buss will pay.

Pau Gasol no es suave (soft) ahora. Es muy fuerte.

I’m not saying you’d do it, but if you were tempted to look into trading any higher-profile Laker today, June 9, it would be Andrew Bynum. Alicia Silverstone wasn’t this Clueless.

Oh, and if Kobe feels like showing his fangs in Florida, the Finals never make it back to L.A.

Green formerly covered the Lakers for the L.A. Times. He is currently senior sports producer for KTLA Prime News.