Ted Green: Some Game 2 advice for the Lakers

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In 100 different ways at their practice palace in El Segundo today, the Lakers were asked: What do you have to do in Game 2 to turn it around against the Rockets?

Here are a few suggestions:

Andrew Bynum: Put down the Playboy Bunny. Tell Yao if Barkley won’t eat the fish while it’s still alive, you will. Also, don’t commit two fouls 10 seconds after lineup introductions. Foul the guy parking your Bentley, foul the backstage doorman, foul Kareem in pregame footwork drills all you like, but when Yao turns to shoot, the least you can do for $52 million is to raise those condor wings you call your arms straight into the air. And take a few acting lessons so you at least LOOK like you care. After all, these ARE the playoffs.

D-Fish: If you airball another 3, at least blame the wind. Say you over-clubbed. And tomorrow morning, wake up 10 years younger. 24 sounds perfect. You can have Alyssa Milano or one of the Staples regulars take a cellphone photo of Aaron Brooks so you can see what he actually looks like as he’s blowing by you.

Pau: Don’t cry for me, Argentina, every time Luis Scola pushes you halfway back to Barcelona. Push him back. Tell him Chris Anderson has a better hairdo, and he looks like the NBC peacock. Tell Scola he has hair like a girl. Coming from you, that’ll really hurt. And if someone nicks you and you get a little boo-boo, please don’t disappear for the next three quarters and act like you’re mortally wounded. It was only a scratch. Ask Gary Vitti for Neosporin instead. I’m sure he has some.

Lamar: Stop watching the videos, ‘Free Throw Shooting Made Easy,’ and ‘I Make ‘Em When They Count,’ both starring Shaquille O’Neal. If you’re gonna hit foul shots, remove the boxing gloves. If the left hand doesn’t work, try the right. And when Artest tries to intimidate you, tell him you’re not afraid because you’re from Queens, too. I’m sure that’ll shake him right to his core.

Sasha: Like any good boxer, work on Battier’s other eye. But I’d love to see you go Pacquiao on Artest. That I’d PAY to see.

Kobe: Posterize Yao to inspire the troops. And think about 24 hours in the Witness Protection Program, where Battier will never find you. Politely remind Battier to stop making a spectacle of himself; doesn’t he know no one plays defense in the NBA? Also mention to Artest that you were the one who bought the one rap album he sold.

Phil: It’s time to make adjustments doesn’t mean having a chiropractor work on your hips. And apologize to Adelman for calling Sacramento a cowtown. Obviously, the guy can’t take a joke.

Jordan Farmar: Tell Phil that Petco stores are going out of business all over the country, making it harder to find good doghouses to keep you in. Remind Phil you played against Brooks in the Pac-10. Come to think of it, remind Phil you’re still on the team.

-- Ted Green

Green formerly covered the Lakers for the L.A. Times. He is currently Senior Sports Producer for KTLA Prime News.