‘Dancing With the Stars’ results recap: Double elimination blues

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We’re on a fast track toward the finish line, ballroom fans. Only, to make it to next week’s semifinals, “Dancing With the Stars” had to really clean house and launch not one, but two stars out of its shiny glitterverse with a dreaded double elimination.

And the two couples ousted this week were Roshon Fegan and Chelsie Hightower, and Melissa Gilbert and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (on Melissa’s birthday, no less!).

Alas, no one can really be surprised at either of these exits. Sadly, what Kenny Mayne snarked during “DanceCenter” was true: While Roshon may resemble a young Barack Obama, President Obama has a better chance of winning this year. Even though Maria Menounos and Derek Hough earned fewer total judges’ points than Roshon and Chelsie, Roshon always seemed to have less of a voting fan base and frequently found himself in the bottom two. And there was no dance duel to get him out of the hole this week. Roshon and Chelsie got their walking papers halfway through the hour. But at least they were able to end on a high note. Their cute little fox trot was just the bees’ knees and so endearing. And now I’ll forever think of him in that dapper plaid jacket. Glad his grandmas (who were so confident that he would make it through to the semifinals) weren’t around to see this.

Melissa, on the other hand, had her family in the studio audience, and it was heartbreaking to see her son so devastated. “I’m amazed that I even made it this far,” she said. “The things we have been able to overcome make it a really incredible birthday.” “I wish I could have given you a better birthday present,” responded Maks. “I’m very honored to have met you.”

Though Half-pint could also leave with her head held high. Not only did Melissa come off her two strongest and highest-scoring routines, she will forever go down as the middle of a luscious Chmerkovskiy dance sandwich. To think, I thought the dance trio’s ending shot with Melissa clenching a Chmerkovskiy butt cheek in each hand was lucky. The true fortune came backstage, when Maks and Val, both shirtless, planted a kiss on either side of Melissa’s cheek as she sat in ecstasy. Happy birthday, indeed! Now does anybody have a cigarette?

The encore dance was the highly deserving jive dance trio courtesy of Donald Driver, Peta Murgatroyd and Karina Smirnoff. And while this didn’t have as much oomph this time around (maybe Donald was nervous about whether or not he made it through to the semifinals, though he found out he did shortly thereafter), it was still a quick-flicking treat. And that leap frog jump, a.k.a. “the ultimate spray tan high jump,” was still pretty darn impressive.

“DanceCenter” came back! Kenny Mayne turned up with his face decals along with heavily eye-shadowed Season 2 finalist Jerry Rice and Len Goodman to size up and tear down the remaining contestants. There was a remix featuring Katherine Jenkins’ oft-referred-to “naughty bits.” We learned Roshon’s weight is “less than Chelsie” and that the Disney star’s mom “makes a great sack lunch.” That William “Dreamboat” Levy’s occupation is “Hot Guy” and all his stats are perfect. And we were treated to a black and white skin flick of Len Goodman prancing in slow motion down a sidewalk dressed solely in his skivvies that is now burned on my brain, and not in a good way. I liked how the stat sheet described Maria’s bones as “brittle” and how Kenny proposed marketing her insane dolphin laugh for car alarms and smoke detectors. Melissa Gilbert’s stats included “House Size: Little” and “Height: Half-Pint.” And Kenny suggested cornerbacks compliment the always-falling Donald “Chicken Legs” Driver on his paso doble to get him to the ground. “Always a unique perspective,” observed Tom.

The ballroom was turned into Club Ballroom as Chris Brown came back to the “DWTS” stage to perform “Turn Up the Music” and show off his dance moves with his own suits while a laser light show pulsated around them. “Now that’s how you follow a bare-chested Len Goodman,” quipped Tom.

The Macy’s Stars of Dance performance was a tribute to Dick Clark. A bevy of dancers in ’50s outfits led by Tony Dovolani and Karina Smirnoff performed a high-octane shimmying sock hop that started “American Bandstand”-style in black and white on the stage with a cameraman and ended up on the dance floor. Bonus: Original dancers from the seminal TV show were present in the audience.

Promotion for “Dancing With the Stars Live in Las Vegas” continued as Dmitry Chaplin and Anya Garnis (hello, “So You Think You Can Dance”-ers!) performed an extremely sultry, intimate rumba to “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” direct from the Tropicana show. Dmitry made out like a bandit: He got the guitar and the girl at the end.

And now the six remaining couples have been whittled down to four.

What do you think, ballroom fans? Were you sad to see Roshon and Melissa go? Do you feel worse for Melissa because she was eliminated on her birthday or less bad because she got to revel in that Chmerkovskiy sandwich? How would you rate that revealing footage of Len in his skivvies? I’d give it a se-VEN!

— Allyssa Lee

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Top photo: Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Melissa Gilbert and Val Chmerkovskiy. Credit: Adam Taylor / ABC