‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ recap: Grass houses

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It seems churlish to begin what should be a simple recap with gossip, scandal and innuendo, but because all of the above came last night from the mouth of network czar @BravoAndy on the post-show rundown ‘Watch What Happens Live,’ it seems nigh irresponsible not to mention it. OK, HERE GOES: Apparently Taylor Armstrong, who, as we watch her in the series, is about to be confronted with the horrors of her marriage, is IRL *possibly* dating one of the most eligible bachelors of Bravo’s ‘Most Eligible Dallas.’

THERE YOU GO. Don’t hog-tie the messenger.

OK, back to the Housewife ‘reality.’ There, Taylor is still married, and, in the beginning of this week’s show, playing referee between Kyle and Brandi, which is to say keeping them from punching each other. (The answer to last week’s question of whether it’s smart or stupid to assault a girl with crutches: Just hide the crutches.) Where we left off last week, new girl Brandi, ‘buked and scorned quite rudely during the (ironic, I hope) game of Celebrity from Dana’s party, was finally reduced to tears — tears of rage. ‘Why aren’t we talking about the fact that your sister is on crystal meth?’ she hurled at Kim. I cannot repeat most of reply, but suffice it to say, it was not that Kyle and Kim actually spell it Krystal Meth.

Meanwhile, over in Lisa-land, we are wedding planning full-speed-ahead for daughter Pandora, which will obviously be my daughter’s name, too, though it suits Brandi a bit better. The Bev Housewives have of late been in default of the franchise’s contractual agreement to always have a resident gay (the loss of Cedric was a blow), but Lisa came back in force with the person of Mr. Lee, a mullet-headed, gold-bespectacled manic, manic wedding planner who in any other geographic region would be deemed a maniac but in Beverly Hills is a genius.

As they strolled through Lisa’s ‘back garden,’ which we hoi polloi would understand better as ‘a glorious expanse we are lucky to view in reruns of ‘The Sound of Music,’ if ever,’ Lee suggested building a church on the greenly heaven, lighting candles everywhere, and inviting enough guests to justify the million-dollar expense he apparently feels necessary to budget for the wedding. Lisa, take my word for it: When you have a garden like that, 10 cases of Prosecco, cocktail weiners, a few Target sconces, and a fleet of folding chairs from IKEA are pretty much all that’s required. (And I am available, btw.)

Meanwhile, Kyle remained obsessed with Brandi’s refusal to remonstrate her son for peeing on the grass at Adrienne Maloof’s. As an aunt of two boys, I can speak from experience that mostly what you do when boys happily pee on the grass is die laughing. I can also say that it seems to indicate good breeding that the child at least understood he was not to pee in the pool.

However, I think Kyle’s obsession, now about four scenes’ worth, with the infraction actually comes from a far different source (no pun intended). On this show, we finally learned the genus of the accusation — ‘You stole my house!” — Kim hurled at her sister last season. (Kyle replied by calling Kim a liar and an alchoholic, but who’s counting?) Apparently a lovely house was left to the three Richards sisters. Kyle’s story is she bought Kim and her other sister out; Kim’s that she withdrew 20K from the equity. Kyle sweetly told the cameras as they frolicked in its rooms the house is “just as much Kim’s as hers,” though one imagines Kim’s real-estate broker husband Mauricio’s deed attests otherwise.

However, the girls are having a hard time getting past it. So perhaps Kim should take her at her word. If the house it just as much hers as her sister’s, Kyle, at least in this case, should have no objection to Kim peeing on the lawn.
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— Lizzie Skurnick
Twitter.com/lizzieskurnick