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‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ recap: I have a vision: It’s all downhill from here

December 17, 2010 |  8:00 am
PreviewOh, they went there.

You name it: the New York affair, Taylor’s lips, the relationship between Kim and Kyle and all that is Camille Grammer. It flared up — like a beautiful disaster — Thursday night on the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”

I have to say, the producers suckered us in. Last week was a snooze with its focus on Kim Richard’s terrifying dating life (it reminded me of the Date Mike version of Michael Scott on “The Office,” sans the Kangol cap), and on Taylor Armstrong’s life (although it was touching and helped to add a little substance to the hollow shell she had been on the show).

And this week started with the ladies on their best behavior. The dinner party at Camille’s house started out as civil, if not phony, but there seemed to be a slim chance that this whole thing could derail so badly.

And it did. And it was riveting television, as if the manual of psychological disorders had been portrayed for a viewing audience. Camille introduced us to a woman born to be a villain on reality TV — I just can’t believe Alison Dubois didn’t see her own fate.

There was the electronic cigarette that she whipped out at the dinner table and whiffed as though she were channeling Sharon Stone — which won me over immediately. She was weird and had Kim Richards-style facial tics and had the rare indignant attitude that only someone on reality TV without any reason to have attitude can have (I’m thinking of a certain monster VH1 created dubbed "New York"). In case that name sounds at all familiar, she’s the basis of “Medium” — or “The Show Camille Grammer Produces And Used to Launch Patricia Arquette to Superstardom.”

Every time she opened her mouth, it was pure gold. With a smarmy look and a puff of her electronic cigarette, you couldn’t help but wonder what was going on in that head of hers. Actually, you do know what she’s thinking. It’s something like this:

Hussy, you just got served!  Alison Dubois style!

Of course, this “medium” makes Raven Symone’s old Disney Channel act look realistic. She started off the evening with this off-the-wall soliloquy about being a young, Good Girl Gone Bad. “We’re not supposed to be good,” she told everyone at the table. “We’re supposed to be really, really bad. In a controlled setting.”

You could see in Adrienne Maloof’s face that she was wondering why she — a woman who owns basketball teams and casinos and has enough money to put what looks like gold chains in her hair — has to sit next to this nut. And Lisa Vanderpump pried into spirit-seeing ability like a mischievous kid trying to gin up some trouble.

The whole thing started heading off the tracks when Camille pretended like she didn’t know who the guest Kyle Richards brought with her was. It was Faye Resnick, one of the hangers-on from the O.J. trial. Camille showed her acting prowess when suddenly Faye’s identity — and the details of her spread in Playboy — just popped into her head. Talk about instant recall.

Then, The Medium — with alleged reluctance — offers her reading of Kyle’s future. She said her husband would never fulfill her emotionally and that their marriage would wilt after the kids grew up.

And boom goes the dynamite!

Camille and Kyle went back to the whole No One Would Be Interested In Camille Without Kelsey There remark that I continue to argue that Camille dreamed up.

Out of nowhere, Kim popped up like a Whack-A-Mole, randomly attacking Taylor: “Why don’t you go blow up your lips some more!” (Though I have to give props to Kim on this one. Someone needed to say it.)

Then, Miss Cleo jumped in and took us for a ride.  In between releasing plumes of steam and twitchy smirks, she unleashed a slew of disses so wonderful my little Grinch heart grew at least two sizes last night. I’ve collected a few of my favorite for you below:

I’ve had books written about me and by me, and a television show about my life, so you can take a flying leap.

You’ve got two legs the last time we checked … So walk!

You’re not interesting to me, so you can keep being interested by me. That’s awesome.  You’ve got two legs too!

I can tell you when she will die, and what will happen to her children. I love that about me.

Hmm, I seem to be having a vision that Alison Dubois must have missed about her friend Camille, who was on the edge of her seat, her eyes twinkling at the sight of the drama surrounding her.

In my vision, I see the obnoxious star of a '90s sitcom. It’s not David Schwimmer. No, he looks more like a porpoise in a cashmere sweater.

And he’s in New York City, on Broadway, and a woman who’s not his wife is there with him. I’m seeing a K. Her name is Kay, or Kathy, or … wait.

It’s Kayte Walsh.

Oh, yeah, I went there.

Moments with The Medium:
What is up with this lady? Electronic cigarette. Ego. Sipping on cocktails like it’s Sizzurp and she’s a rapper. What was your favorite moment with Patricia Arquette’s inspiration?

Where does it go from here?
Can these women ever be in the same room together again? I can only imagine a reunion special that Bravo has to stretch out over six weeks, and a least a few of them will likely show up in straightjackets.

Pretend you’re Miss Dubois. What are your predictions, Show Trackers?

— Rick Rojas

Photo: Kyle Richards, Taylor Armstrong, Kim Richards and Lisa Vanderpump. Credit: Jason DeCrow/Bravo