‘The Bachelorette’ finale: Roberto is Ali’s last man standing

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Am I the only one who actually cried during Monday night’s finale of ‘The Bachelorette’?

If you’re a hardcore fan of the series -- or, you know, if you’ve been in a supermarket checkout line over the last few months -- you’ve seen the misleading headlines about Ali’s final decision. There were a number of media outlets that seemed to imply that Ali chose to be single, a la Kelly Taylor on ‘Beverly Hills, 90210.’ (The original, you guys. Come on.)

Leading up to the men meeting her family, Ali said several times that she and Chris were like friends who had started to fall for each other. That doesn’t exactly scream ‘marriage!’ to me, but looking at them, I can practically see the black lab they’d one day own and the 2.5 children they’d one day dress in Vineyard Vines seersucker shorts.

Roberto said all the right things during his visit with Ali’s family. It’s no secret that I’m Team Chris, so I’ll just say that Roberto’s suave lines have never felt particularly authentic to me. That said, he is incredibly sexy. And since his flannel shirt is working for him, I’ll forgive that chain he’s wearing. (Man-jewelry is a no-no, boys.)

Beth and Alex, Ali’s parents, seem to like Roberto fine. I can’t imagine introducing a potential husband to my family this way. Awwwwkward.

Chris has a creepy number of things in common with the Fedotowskys. He’s from Massachusetts, he’s French-Canadian, he’s a teacher just like Ali’s parents. It’s possible that he fits in with them almost too well. The ‘Really? Me too!’ conversation can get you only so far.

Beth prodded Chris on details about his mother, which, to me, seemed a little bit intrusive for the first family date. Chris took it like a champ, though, and I got a lump in my throat when he described his mom making him breakfast-for-dinner. Chris has such a collection of vivid memories of his mother; I love when he lets Ali in on them.

In the end, it seems like Ali’s family is mostly Team Chris, though her dad seems to like Roberto an awful lot. I think her siblings are just wooed by Chris’s promise of Red Sox games.

On Ali’s date with Roberto, they do everything a couple should do in Bora Bora, and they also swim with sting rays.

Really? Those things killed Steve Irwin! They’re slimy! They come up out of the water as if to say, ‘I am Sting Ray, here to attack you and pierce your heart!’ Not cool.

They end their night in Roberto’s cabana, where he says that he’s ‘absolutely’ in love with her and they make out a whole bunch. Okay, he’s really, really sexy. Ali is choosing between sex and apple pie, here. It’s kind of a no-brainer.

It’s all over during Ali’s talking head, when she blurts, ‘I love Roberto.’ I don’t think that any other Bachelor or Bachelorette has revealed that before the final rose is handed out. Sorry, Chris -- I’ll come hang out with you in Cape Cod.

Chris’s date starts of... badly. Ali pretty much pulls a Frank, giving him a friendly man-hug at the beginning of the date and then darting around like a squirrel about to be made into road kill. Chris knows right away that something’s wrong.

I really respect Ali for breaking up with Chris now, before he chooses a ring and gets all gussied up, but I wish she’d cut to the chase. Her whole ‘just because two people have fun together doesn’t mean it’s right’ speech is a little bit condescending. In the end, she blurts, ‘I’m in love with somebody else.’

Chris takes it like a trooper. He thanks her for being honest and wishes her luck, sending her off to Roberto like a parent shooing their kid into their first day of school. Look -- Chris is going to make a great dad, someday, and a great husband. It’s not his fault he can’t speak Spanish or salsa dance!

The real kicker is that after Chris’ heart is broken, he sees a rainbow, which earlier in the season he told Ali is a sign his mom is there, watching him.

I cried. A lot.

ABC, do you control the weather? (And did you write the screenplay to ‘Glitter’?)

On the day of the final rose, the show tries to build tension by making it seem as if Roberto may not propose, but it’s unnecessary. We’re all already suckered in.

They finally get Ali’s clothes right with her gauzy gold dress. Honestly, it’s a good thing, because she’s spent the entire season wearing muumuus and mom pants and tie-dyed C&C tank tops.

I swear, ABC finds the most hilarious places for these proposals to happen. Roberto has to climb about a million stairs in Bora Bora in a full suit -- and remember Tenley’s mile-long walk of shame last year? Ouch. Chris, at least you didn’t have to hike to the top of a mountain to get dumped.

When Ali tells Roberto that he’s the only guy here today, I get all teary-eyed again. Gross. I’m such a girl. And then they start up with ‘Can You Feel The Love Tonight’? I confess, I completely sang along.

I’ll make the ‘After the Final Rose’ recap super short: Ali and Roberto are still in love and still engaged. Chris L. is still a stand-up guy with a good heart and the prettiest smile. Frank is still a weasel who didn’t show.

Thoughts, Show Trackers? Are you sad it’s over? Will you miss Ali’s gigantic tent pants? Do you think she made the right choice? Did her pre-emptive dumping ruin the ending for you? Do you think Frank and Nicole will be happy together? (Blech!)

Sound off in the comments below. It’s been real, kids!

-- Carina MacKenzie
twitter.com/cadlymack

Photo: Ali and Roberto get their fairy-tale ending, complete with an Elton John soundtrack. Credit: ABC

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