‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Mommie Dearest

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ShowTrackers, it’s time for a game of “Who said this?” In Monday’s episode, a certain ‘Housewife’ uttered a phrase so delusional it required three replays: ‘I am the best mom in the world.’

Go back and reread. OK. One more time.

So who said it? A) The ever-sweet and classy Teresa, B) The unbe-weave-able Jacqueline, C) the ham game-hating Caroline or D) broken-heeled Danielle.

I’ll give you a hint. Her inner circle includes a dude who scares Chihuahuas (and his sidekick) and some phenomenon known as Kim G.

Now for the back story of the delusional statement. Danielle’s eldest daughter, Christine, is about to celebrate her 16th birthday. Christine wanted to donate the money she received as gifts to charity — a thought that seemed to baffle Danielle. The good-natured gesture was quickly brushed aside. Danielle, who claimed never to have had a birthday party until she was 47, thought a big shindig was in order. But who needs Christine? It was all about Danielle’s youngest daughter, 11-year-old Jillian, last night, the apple — or dollar sign — of her eye. Why? Well, because this knock-off “My Super Sweet 16” party was to be Jillian’s big entrance into the music world (forced upon her by her ever-controlling — and slightly bald — stage mother). What seemed like a sweet gift — an ode to her sister — turned into an experience sure to be discussed on a therapist’s couch for years to come (a.k.a. a “mind-boggling huge” night, according to Danielle). She completed her assignment, though, helping ensure her placement as a pop-culture icon. Someone please save this girl!

Oh, and the night also included three dress changes for Christine (surprisingly, only one for Danielle), a bodybuilder’s shoulders for an arrival mechanism, Danielle’s ex-husband and a cameo by her former engagement ring.

In other news …

-- Ashley (wearing that horrid knit hat) received her court summons and agreed to plead guilty to simple assault against Danielle but not harassment -- not surprising considering she got the giggles whenever she relived the epic night in her head. To make things more mind numbing, she’d had a harebrained idea of countersuing Danielle. Cue Chris drinking in an attempt to process it all and Jacqueline forcing a reaction that shows she’s fed up. They both just need to take lessons in tae kwon do from Teresa’s gals already and give Ashley a wake-up call.

-- Albie was killing time between waiting to hear from law schools by joining the police academy.

-- And the Giudices celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary. And when your wife is Teresa, flowers and chocolate just won’t do. It didn’t matter if money was short (perhaps Joe was finally practicing money management with that game of Monopoly?), Teresa wanted a diamond — not the Crown Jewels, though, for this “Skinny Italian.” So what did Joe do? He set up a helicopter ride over Manhattan and a romantic dinner, where he surprised Teresa with a massive yellow diamond ring (drenched in chocolate). Just don’t tell her it’s in foreclosure.

So ShowTrackers, what did you think of the episode? Impressed by Joe’s poetic abilities? Is Jillian’s singing future one that can rival LuAnn de Lesseps’? Will Ashley ever learn her lesson? Share your thoughts in the comments section.

-- Yvonne Villarreal