‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: The battle of the texts

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There are few programs that provide important life lessons in the way ‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’ does. Where else would you learn the negative effects of a menstrual cycle on tomato sauce making? Only while tuning in could you see the harmful damage caused by slapping a slice of ham across a person’s face. And our table manners have much improved since the table-flipping incident -- that maneuver is only to be used in situations in which you’ve reached your limit with Danielle Staub. In Monday’s episode, we learn another vital lesson: Be careful what you post on Facebook. A lesson we could all benefit from. So log out of the social-networking site -- Farmville can wait -- and let’s delve into some “Housewives” drama.

What would the show be without Danielle alone in her kitchen talking to her animals about the Manzo family? So there she was, talking to her dogs, obsessing over her doom as an outcast. She is progressively getting more disturbing; it’s becoming exhausting. Even shawl-rocking pal Kim G. is growing tired of her, as evident by her desire to vent about her wacky friend to Jacqueline while getting a pedicure -- crying baby be damned.

And then Kim G. -- gasp! -- confronted Danielle while the two were getting their hair done for Danielle’s birthday bash. Uh, Kim G. is obviously not thinking clearly. Never confront Danielle when she doesn’t have her protectors on site -- it makes her edgy. But that’s exactly what Kim G. (at this point, I’m just seeing how many times I can insert her name) wanted to discuss: Danny, and the possibility of having him refrain from using a gay slur against her son’s best friend. Tsk. Tsk. Doesn’t she know Danielle is a gay advocate? Danielle’s response to Kim G.’s concerns: ‘I was extremely offended, but I was being protected that moment in the lion’s den.’ Riiiiight. And when at the birthday party, Kim G. made the rookie mistake of suggesting that Danielle was maybe a bit obsessed with the Manzo women. Perhaps she just likes putting Danielle on edge? Because that was clearly the wrong thing to say: ‘Oh, no, no, no, don’t go there,’ Danielle warned. It was as if she added another misdemeanor to Kim G.’s record in that moment, storing it away for future reference alongside every other record of people who have supposedly wronged her. Looks like Danny will be keeping busy. So busy that he needs a suit?

Maybe a less frightening ensemble is the way to deal with a text-crazed teenager who has mastered the art of writing a mean text message and/or Facebook status. ‘Is ‘bye’ a threat?’ Danielle asks Kim G. about a text message she received from Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley. If you thought that was good/odd, it gets better/weirder: We also learn that Ashley had set up an ‘I Hate Danielle Staub’ page. Danielle, however, is more physical in her retaliation, texting Ashley that she has fat arms. Ouch. But the war didn’t end there. Ashley returned the sentiment by texting Danielle that she had a square boob. Wowzers. And then Ashley took to Facebook to update her status after she got word from her mother that Danielle was supposedly seeking a way to get her arrested. Oh, Ashley. Everyone knows that’s something you tweet. When Jacqueline sees the status update she goes bonkers and phones Ashley to demand she take it down. Seriously, Ashley. Is it that hard to grasp? Status updates are to inform your followers what music you’re listening to or how you just ate a taco or, if you’re Danny, how you just scared a Chihuahua. Nothing else, nothing more.

In more Danielle news, she nearly peed with joy when she got a call from Dina about meeting for drinks. Danny thinks this could be an opportunity to mend things. Oh, Danny, that suit certainly has cast a spell on you! Danielle isn’t so convinced and requests backup, just in case. Hey, they’re going to a restaurant called Chakra. You can never be too prepared. I’m half hoping that in next week’s episode, Danny will reveal he is really a nurse at a mental institution there to wheel her away.

She eventually meets with Dina. And it isn’t long before Danielle plays the victim: ‘I don’t know why you and any of the ladies think you’re better than me.’ She then brought up dirty laundry from Dina and Jacqueline’s once-troubled relationship. Then Dina shushed her. Uh-oh. That was a bad idea; Danny might be lurking behind a plant somewhere. But perhaps he was too busy making sure his cuff links were in place, because he didn’t come to Danielle’s defense and blurt gay slurs. Maybe that was saved for next week’s episode?

Meanwhile, Gia and Teresa are out somewhere trying to order cah-fee, not caw-fee ... or dealing with this.

So ShowTrackers, what did you think of the episode? Where do you stand in this text/Facebook war between Danielle and Ashey? And does the suit make Danny less creepy?

-- Yvonne Villarreal