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'Real Housewives of New York City': Brooklyn state of mind

May 7, 2010 | 10:15 am

While you’re reading this, Alex is in Brooklyn.

And guess what: Once you finish reading this, Alex will still be in Brooklyn.

These are the kind of tidbits we learn as our brains absorb each deliciously drama-filled minute of Bravo’s “Real Housewives” franchise -- and now there’s an abundance of those minutes with two nights of “Housewives” programming. Though, I found the tomato sauce-making tip offered during “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” to be the most educational. Who knew one’s menstrual cycle had cuisine powers? Um, Teresa, you may have a song on your hands.

But back to the NYC ladies …

The Cocktails and Couture party (aka another excuse for LuAnn to seek attention) finally arrived. And, as expected, LuAnn took center stage. Whether she was fishing for compliments on her updo or pompously scolding Alex about her lame attempt at being a mean girl, LuAnn reminded us why cocktails were so essential to this party: to numb the pain of losing brain cells while watching her in action.

But before it was even possible to realize that, that other feud got its air time. You know the one. It’s the product of “the message.” I don’t know why I put it in quotes. It gives it hype, just like Alex tried to do when delivering it. As expected, Jill has nothing to say to Alex. Does Alex care? Eh. Not really. Do I? Eh. Not really. I did, however, find it mildly amusing that cool cat Bobby came to Jill’s defense, mostly because I didn’t know he spoke. I kid. Bobby’s cool. But where was he when Jill had that spat with Mario last season? Oh, yeah. He was standing there, staying mum. And things would get more amusing with the shot of Jill crying over how she now misses Bethenny and wished she could be there for her through all these life-changing events. Like, seriously? You’re backing down now? After ALL that? 

Maybe she can only handle one fight at a time? And the one with Alex seems to be occupying her social calendar because their spat carried over to another cocktail party, this time at newbie Jennifer’s posh pad. Even with her hosting, I still didn’t pay much attention to her -- drama was taking place. Seems Jill was suddenly concerned about Bethenny and the death of her father. Once Alex got there, I needed a cocktail. It started simple. Jill complimented Alex on her appearance. Then all hell broke loose. Alex was pissed. And she sure had no issue declaring that. But once again, she failed to get “the message” across: “While you are in high school, I am in Brooklyn.” I don’t even know what that means. That was your amo, Alex? Can someone send her a copy of “Mean Girls,” please?

 Other notable moments:

--“I tried to be gracious because I didn’t want to slug her at Sonja’s party,” Alex says after LuAnn chastises her for delivering Jill “the message.” Classy? Or classic?

--Can someone tell me why Kelly feels the need to make monosyllabic words into songs? There are two letters in the word “hi.” Two. Short and sweet. So why does it feel like 25 more I’s -- and a few E’s -- are attached to the word when Kelly says it? “Hiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!” What is that about? No, really ... what is that about?

--Wait. Am I understanding this correctly? Jill needs her “notes” when working out issues with a friend? Maybe note-writing is the hobby she took up?

--A party in honor of Kelly and all the “trendsetters” she interviewed on the streets was hardly necessary. But it was made all the more tolerable just to hear Kelly glorify her street “reporting.” I’m not the only one puzzled by this, right? Has she never opened an issue of Glamour or Elle? And what was with the “Everyone knows I was an editor of a fashion magazine” statement? Who knows, Kelly? Who?

--Did LuAnn’s date just utter the sentence: “Scandelosity is defined as the speed in which scandal measured in velocity can turn you into a star”? Wowzers.

--Love how, when talking about her new song, LuAnn said she wasn’t Madonna -- duh! That’s Kelly -- but “could be the female Barry White.” Can you hear that? It’s the sound of couples everywhere getting steamy as “Money Can’t Buy You Class” serves as their soundtrack.

--Jennifer’s assessment of LuAnn’s man candy: “Whoever LuAnn’s date is, he had bad hair and he’s gay.” Enough. Said.

--Did anyone else find the yoga/massage -- whatever it was -- outing between LuAnn and the girls somewhat pleasant? It’s almost like they were actually friends being vulnerable and having a serious conversation. So weird. So refreshing. And then it was over.

--Kelly bought Sonja a cleanse instead of flowers. That sentence alone is a failure.

So Show Tracker, what did you think of the episode? Team Jill or Team Alex? Did LuAnn’s date freak you out with his “scandelosity” talk? Or were you more freaked out by his kissing style highlighted in previews of next week’s episode? Yikes.

-- Yvonne Villarreal

Photo: From left, Jill Zarin, Kelly Killoren Bensimon and LuAnn de Lesseps. Credit: Bravo