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'Real Housewives of Orange County': Simon says

February 5, 2010 | 10:01 am

VickiTamra, Tamra, Tamra. A tattoo? Of Simon's name on your ring finger? Really? Was that really the only way you could profess your love? "I just hope it's not the kiss of death," she says to the camera. Oh, Tamra. We'll return to them later. On to the drama.

Lynne, in an attempt to smooth things over after her drunken outburst at the cooking party, decides to host her own (forced) shindig and (only) invites the housewives and their mates. It's supposed to be a housewarming party -- though, judging from the last two minutes of the episode, that was definitely a bit premature. Alexis and hubby Jim tell Lynne that they'll cut their romantic trip short to make it to the festivities .... but before then, we had to witness some of that romantic getaway. It consisted of this: Alexis, who (gasp!) only brought one bathing suit instead of two, squealed when Jim said she could buy another one because heaven forbid she wear the same one during their two-day love fest. Then we see the lovebirds visit the hotel where they first set eyes on each other, aka known as the time Jim approached his 'sexy elegant' future wife.

Was anyone buying his spiel about that? I'll cut the details short, wouldn't want people dozing off as they read. Wait, before I do that, I must share the laughable pickup line he used on his much younger (15 years, to be exact) wife: "I know you're either hot or thirsty, so which one is it?" Between that and his awesome (read: questionable) fashion sense, it's no wonder she found him irresistible, right?

Back in O.C., Lynne's party eventually begins. And when alcohol and the housewives mingle, there's bound to be drama. This time, it's Tamra who seems to be having one too many. And with everyone under one roof, she sees an opportunity for Simon and Vicki to reconcile. Ambitious. Simon appears as if he's willing to cooperate. But that didn't last long. And soon his childish rampage began, equipped with curse words and name calling. Oh, Simon. Get over yourself. No one is jealous of your marriage. It's not perfect. Tattoo or no tattoo. The amount of effort he puts in to believing that lie is a little ridiculous at this point. And him walking out in a heated fit only demonstrated his immaturity.

Tamra isn't any better. I get that Simon's her husband. But if what Vicki is saying is true, Tamra should own up to her involvement in putting Vicki in the middle. Simon and Jim already get too much screen time. Anymore camera time devoted to this Simon-Vicki feud would necessitate a name change for this show.

Things get more heated at the dinner table. Everyone decides to share their "how we met each other" stories. After having to hear the tale of Alexis and Jim already, I, too, was snoring when Alexis shared every detail of their story (again). The topic eventually turned to the Florida trip. You remember that, right? The girl-bonding trip that somehow turned into a couples retreat. Things escalate, and Vicki and Donn decide to leave. It's a tearful car ride back for Vicki as she questions her friendship with Tamra. Meanwhile, Tamra is joining in on the Vicki bashing back at Lynne's.

So what did you think, Show Trackers? Was anyone else hoping Donn would defend Vicki? Do you think Tamra will get that tattoo removed now that Simon has filed for divorce? Were you shocked by the lack of drama that Slade provided? It was like he wasn't even at the party!

-- Yvonne Villarreal

Photo: Vicki Gunvalson. Credit: Bravo