‘Melrose Place’: Heather Locklear’s Amanda Woodward comes to reclaim her throne

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Amanda! My goodness, how time flies. And you haven’t aged a day. How was the island? Did you get bored? I thought you’d get bored. Was it like ‘Lord of the Flies’ out there after a while? Yeah, yeah. Thought so. But hey! Good to have you back.

No, no. Don’t worry. I didn’t expect presents. Your presence is thank-you enough. In the span of an hour (OK, OK. 45 minutes, give or take) you’ve managed to drop-kick junior publicist Ella’s frenemy-boss Caleb to the curb, blindside Ella by tapping into her sapphic side and then try to make her choose between friends and work only to -- wait for it -- still rat Riley out and get the schoolteacher fired when Ella couldn’t bring herself to do it. (Shouldn’t Ella have seen that coming? Did you leave the ‘do what I say or suffer the consequences’ part out of your Publicist 101 ‘Vanity Fair’ article?). And this is all while spouting some awesome repartee (‘You could have been a leader, Caleb. But your focus shifted from your client’s assets to your client’s .... ‘ and preaching the gospel (‘Riley Richmond ... is about as real and interesting as a plastic mannequin.) OK. Those are my ellipses. You were really just talking about Riley’s new stint as designer jeans cover girl.
Sit, sit Amanda. Make yourself comfortable by the pool. You know, Ella isn’t the only one you can torture. Sure you’re sad about Sydney, especially since she’s hidden some kind of treasure from you, but I offer up a plausible distraction: another motorcycle-riding muscle man named Auggie. I know how you like those types, but this one doesn’t seem to have much time left. Auggie’s probably going to jail for Syd’s murder, despite the multiple other peoples’ DNA no doubt on the weapon or the fact that security cameras at the construction site would have probably caught David burying the knife, so he’s acting out as irrationally as possible and having sex with (yes, another) crazy redhead.
Speaking of Mancini’s knife-hiding, fence-scaling son, did you know that David’s trying to get all romantic with doc-in-training Lauren? You’re going to love this: She can’t have sex with him because she’s too guilt-ridden or grossed out or something because she’s been working as a hooker. You have got to put the kibosh on these two, Amanda. We really can’t have them end up like Riley and Jonah, but with criminal histories.

But you know, David’s cat burglar skills did come in handy when he found Sydney’s bloody necklace when he broke into Michael’s car. Do you think the killer is Michael’s new wife? I mean, Brooke Burns is kind of too big a name to just be a Hancock Park trophy wife.

So, what else is new with you? What is Sydney hiding from you? C’mon. You can tell me. Is it dirt on other people? A secret stash of miniskirts? Your half of the royalties from the book you co-authored on how to fake your death? Fine. If you won’t tell me, maybe someone while shine some thought on this in the comments section.

-- Whitney Friedlander
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