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Recap: 'True Blood' Season 2, Episode 4

July 12, 2009 | 10:00 pm

We begin with Jason walking into his dorm room at leadership camp only to see the bodies of his fellow campers lying dead and bloody on the floor. He is attacked by a shadowy figure that pushes him down. Surprise! When the lights come on it's just the Lukinator playing a practical joke. The campers laugh but Jason punches the Luke Man in the nose, pulls off his clip-on tie and shouts that "Vampires are not a joke!" 

Screaming of a different kind is taking place at Bill's place as Bill pushes an embarrassed and half-naked Hoyt out the door, saying that he is only protecting him from Jessica. Hoyt tells Jessica that he doesn't believe Bill for a second. Good boy, Hoyt! Jessica really likes you. After the confrontation Bill decides to take Jessica to Dallas with him and Sookie. They will employ "two travel coffins, not one." Oh, and those travel coffins are totally rad, space-age looking tubes. (I wouldn't mind traveling that way, especially if Bill were in my coffin.)

Cut to Daphne swimming in her undies with Sam who rambles on about what a paradise Bon Temps is. Um, Sam, have you been living in the same bloody Bon Temps that the rest of us have been watching? Anyway, when Daphne gets out of the water, she isn't at all shy about Sam seeing the giant scratches across her back. He just gulps. Yay paradise!

Later Tara tells Mary Ann of her plans to move in with Sookie immediately. Mary Ann is clearly shaken but acts cool, although she does give herself away a bit when her eyes get that I-am-a-mutant-pig-monster look and she says, "I'm sure you'd do the same for me," to Tara when Tara thanks her for her hospitality.

Back at the world's creepiest leadership camp, Jason and the Lukester are arguing over whether Lazarus was a vampire. Jason says that he thinks Jesus was one because "he told people, 'Hey y'all, drink my blood.' "

"God will make sure evil gets punished," says Luke as Jason is summoned to meet with Steve Newlin. To which Jason replies, "Yeah? Then explain Europe to me." Oh Jason, your stupidity borders on brilliance! I know a lot of you out there are sick of this story line but I could watch Jason Stackhouse do anything and be happy. I could even watch him watch paint dry, that's how much I love him.

Meanwhile, Andy and Bud are at the coroner's office looking at the body of the dead exorcist, which, shocker, has the same scratches that Daphne has and that Sookie had before Bill saved her. Poor, dumb-as-stones Andy keeps talking about the pig that he thinks might have something to do with it all. Bud thinks he's crazy and drunk and takes his badge. But could that pig be Mary Ann? Tara was run off the road by a pig just before Mary Ann took her in....

Back in creepsville, Steve Newlin and Jason shoot pop-up vampires with paint ball guns, and Newlin is awed to discover that Jason has seen a vampire die and admits that he can't wait to see "God's awesome power just obliterate evil right in front of your eyes."

Maybe someone should obliterate Mary Ann, who is busy putting a master plan in effect at Sookie's house in the form of what turns into an incredibly bizarre birthday party for Tara. She invites a bunch of weirdo town folk, throws away the present that Tara's pathetic old mom gives to Sam to bring to the party and sashays her way into the woods where she pulses like an industrial blender until the party is whipped into an obscene froth worthy of Nero. Everyone's eyes turn black, they smear cake and dirt all over themselves, they fight and copulate in public.

Speaking of copulation, Tara and Eggs do just that in a passionate, sweaty trance. Something tells me the result of this power coupling could be worse than Rosemary's baby. Also happening at the party: Sam and Daphne hook up and Daphne admits that she knows Sam's shape-shifting secret. Could she be Mary Ann's handmaiden?

Later, when Sookie arrives in Dallas (drunk on nips that she describes as "booze for dolls"), a driver named Leon is there to pick her up. Turns out he's been hired by the Fellowship of the Sun to abduct her and take her to church headquarters. Silly church! Sookie can read minds and Bill is fast and full of fangs. Leon fails and Bill teaches Jessica to glamor him while he and Sookie check into the hotel.

Around the same time, Jason announces to the camp that he's moving into the Newlins' house to train to become an elite Soldier of the Sun. This seems to be the Bon Temps equivalent of becoming a Hitler Youth. Luke accuses Jason of sleeping with Sarah Newlin and Jason bristles. But the sexual tension between he and Sarah soars skyward as he fantasizes about her licking bottles and spanking herself with a spatula while grilling ribs for dinner.

Perhaps the only redeeming thing that happens in this episode is when Eric appears in Lafayette's window and offers him his 1,000-year-old blood. Lafayette is terribly sick and crippled and his leg is beginning to fester, so when he takes blood from Eric his comeback is remarkable. He dances around, pretends to hump his furniture and shouts with joy. Eric leaves Lafayette when Bill calls and tells him that the church tried to abduct Sookie. In the hotel bar they discuss the importance of the missing vampire Godric.

"If one such as he can be taken by humans, none of us is safe," warns Eric, adding that the vampires would begin to rebel.

"Open aggression against humans?" gasps Bill. "That's insane!"

"That's Texas," replies Eric.

Meanwhile, Jessica has ordered room service in the form of an Abercrombie & Fitch-like model who she can snack on. Sookie is at a loss when she realizes that the bellboy who delivered the model to Jessica is actually reading her mind. They even engage in a brief telepathic conversation, until the bellboy (his name is Barry) freaks out and runs away. Sookie chases him in her bathrobe.

Roll credits.

-- Jessica Gelt

Photo: HBO