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Recap: 'True Blood' Episode 3, Season 2

June 29, 2009 | 11:00 am

Sookie-Stackhouse Oh, my goodness, Bill is so mad at Sookie as they drive away from Jessica's house. After all, Sookie's poor judgment almost got Jessica's father killed. Fortunately Bill arrived just in time to stop Jessica and glamour her family "within an inch of their sanity." I wish he'd do that to me.

Sookie is having none of it, though, and after Bill reminds her that pretty little Jess is a "loaded gun" and not a doll to dress up and play with, Sookie gets out of the car and stalks off angrily into a murky, misty, creepy forest alone. Note to Sookie: Seriously?  

Jessica wisely tells Bill that Sookie "wants you to go after her and kiss her and tell her you love her." But stubborn old Bill says that Sook will come back when she calms down. Note to Bill: You've been alive for 174 years. Do you really not know rule No. 1 of handling a lady? She always wants you to chase after her.

Fortunately, after a slimy, bull-man creature with razor-sharp claws chases Sookie and scratches three deep, long wounds into her back, causing her to become paralyzed and foam at the mouth, no man watching will not chase after his girlfriend when she stalks off in the future.

What's more, when Bill tries to give Sookie his blood she becomes even worse, flailing spastically and spitting more foam. Bill has never seen anything like it, and he whisks Sook off to Fangtasia, where Eric calls in the feisty Dr. Ludwig to heal her. The healing looks a lot like killing, with the tiny doctor pouring a burning, bubbly substance on Sookie's back and digging her fingers into the raw wounds to pull out some kind of poisonous tooth or claw.

When she is done, Bill gives Sookie blood from his wrist and she suckles away at it like a newborn piglet, getting blood all over her face as she does so. (Weirdly this sequence caused two of my girlfriends to turn to each other and sigh that they wished they had a vampire for a boyfriend.)

Meanwhile, Mary Ann is preparing for a party, sampling some kind of punch Carl is making and suggesting "more juniper" and rolling a joint the size and shape of a wiffle ball bat, which Tara happily sucks down upon waking up. (People in last night's chat room were going on about how they think Mary Ann in a maenad and that she is the one who harmed Sookie. I'm on the fence about that one. I can't figure out what she would gain from hurting our telepathic heroine.)

The two women have a brief conversation about why Sam doesn't like Mary Ann, with Mary Ann chalking it up to jealousy rather than, oh, I don't know, how she can turn Sam into a dog any time she feels like it.

Back at the Fellowship of the Sun leadership camp, Jason is participating in group, where all sorts of young Jesus-loving types are sharing their terrible experiences with vamps. After pointing out that humans can be just as cruel and terrible as the undead (Just look at what Rene did to Jason's gran and his girlfriend), Jason leaves group early. Sarah Newlin chases him and says that she too once had a soft spot for the fang but that her sister became addicted to V and was subsequently murdered by vampires. Then she kneels and prays with Jason, and the look he gives her is full of want. Yeow!

This sets up one of the episode's best lines. That evening Jason dines with Steve and Sarah Newlin and Steve is waxing all sorts of crazy about how vampires are baby killers and Sarah comes out of the kitchen and offers them banana pudding. "My wife must like you a lot," says Steve. Why, asks Jason. "Sarah doesn't whip out her pudding for just anyone," replies Steve. No, she probably doesn't. But I'm sure we'll be treated to much more of her pudding soon.

Cut to Sookie waking up at Fangtasia, healed (and wearing a righteous red Fangtasia T-shirt that I completely need to have for obvious reasons). Ginger the barmaid brings her a sandwich, and Sookie reads her mind to discover that Lafayette is chained in the basement. She confronts Eric, slapping him across the face and hurling insults. (Nothing says sexual tension like a healthy spat.)

Eric's fangs come out when she threatens to call the cops, but he finally offers to set Lafayette free if Sookie will go to Dallas to search for the missing vampire Godric. Sookie agrees if Eric will throw in $10,000 and let Bill go with her. (Maybe they are planning a trip to Vegas instead.) Then Pam brings up Lafayette who has been a feeding toy and was not turned into a bad-ass vampire. He looks terrible, and when Bill and Sookie drop him off at his house he curls up under a blanket and cries.

But how could Sookie and Bill forget about dangerous little loaded-gun Jessica all alone in Bill's mossy mansion? When she wakes for the evening and finds no one home she puts on a yellow sundress and heads to Merlotte's. There she meets a completely bowled over Hoyt, who hits on her with the incredible suggestion that she try the chicken-fried steak, which tastes kind of like if a "steak and a chicken had a baby, a delicious crispy baby." Sold! But no, Jess will just take a bottle of Tru Blood. Good girl, keeping it honest. Hoyt is thrilled.

At Mary Ann's house, the party is way out of hand, with the fine citizens of Bon Temps running around half naked. Breasts and beer guts are everywhere. Ewww. Many folks have those creepy black eyes that scream, "I've been possessed!" Tara is in the hot tub with Eggs when a topless women gets in with them and starts massaging Eggs' shoulders. Tara, who is apparently really slow to catch on when things are getting downright spooky, suddenly sees the scene for what it is and runs off to her room, but not before chastising Eggs for being a part of it. (Yeah, Tara, 'cause you haven't been smoking what he has.)

Meanwhile, Jessica takes Hoyt back to Bill's place. "I've always wanted to see vampire Bill's house," says Hoyt admiringly before not looking around at all and heading straight to the couch and Bill's Wii gaming system. Huh? Bill has a Wii? Apparently so, because Hoyt is trying to teach Jessica how to hold the controller when Jessica kisses him and her fangs come out. She is so embarrassed she could just die (if she weren't already dead. Fangs are like braces, only worse!). But Hoyt soothes her, "Don't be embarrassed about what you are." (Awww!)

But then Jess rears up and it looks like she wants to make a meal of Hoyt. She pushes him down on the couch and cut to: Bill and Sookie on their way home having a long, soulful conversation about the nature of good and evil and the charms of an old-fashioned petticoat. They smooch their way through the front door when they spy Jess on top of Hoyt. Bill throws her off, but Hoyt sits up and says everything is fine. You bet it is, Hoyt.

In the final scene of the night, Sam is going for a late-night swim in a bayou (that is remarkably clean and clear and croc free) when Daphne of the crummy waitressing skills suddenly shows up on the pier and offers to join him. When she takes off her shirt we see giant scars the size of the scars Sookie would have in her back if it weren't for Bill's blood. What the ... ? Who is Daphne and why did she live after an attack like that?

Roll credits.

Also, The Times is hosting a live chat with Anna Paquin tomorrow afternoon at 4 p.m. Here's for your calendar:

— Jessica Gelt

Photo: HBO