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Recap: "True Blood" Episode 2, Season 2

June 21, 2009 | 10:00 pm


Things start right where they left off, with Eric drenched in the blood of the hick he has just torn to pieces. He turns furiously to a completely freaked-out Lafayette and demands to know if there is blood in his hair (Pam was highlighting it and it still has foil in it). Yeah, Eric, it's kind of a bad hair day, um, night, for you.

Back at Bill's mossy mansion, he and Sookie lie in bed and talk about the challenges that newbie vamp Jessica presents. They are just too cute in the afterglow of their make-up sex. (And in living rooms across America, women sigh, perhaps with dismay, over Stephen Moyer's chest-wax job.) In regard to Jessica, Bill laments that she has no humanity, is in the grips of overwhelming transformations and cannot control her impulses.

"So how is that different from being a teenage girl?" asks Sookie. Dad joke! Nice one, Sook.

Meanwhile, at Fangtasia, Pam looks at Eric's hair and frets, "This is a disaster. We'll have to go much shorter than we planned." Thank God, Eric's long hair is so last century. The pair are quizzing Lafayette about the gay vampire Eddie whom he used to have sex with in exchange for the V that he sold illegally to thrill seekers (I imagine drinking V makes you feel as though you've unscrewed your skull and poured a satchel of pure MDMA directly onto your brain). Lafayette says he thinks Jason kidnapped Eddie.

The answer doesn't satisfy Eric and it's back to the dungeon for Lafayette and on to another plot line for us. Jason is on a silly school bus on his way to leadership camp. He meets an earnest but creepy former high school football player named Luke McDonald who swiftly becomes his bunk make and arch-nemesis.

Back at Mary Ann's house of endless fruit and weed, Tara tries to uncover Eggs' secrets. He is forthcoming: He has done time for dealing and using drugs, he's broke, and when Mary Ann found him he was living under a bridge. Yay, a winner! But none of that matters because Eggs has pecs that could crush skulls  and abs that a girl could grate cheese on.

Later, Mary Ann shows up at Merlotte's and orders just about everything on the menu. Yummy! Eat woman, eat! We ladies love to see a hottie cram herself full of catfish and ribs. Speaking of hotties, back at leadership camp, Jason is playing capture the flag shirtless and, although he is no Eggs, he is looking pretty sinewy smooth. He also is killing at the game and totally leaving Luke in the dust. And, if I may say so, Mrs. Sarah Newlin looks to be getting a little breathless over his moves.

Poor Lafayette is still in the dungeon. But, disgustingly, he pulls the metal hip from the hick's severed leg, uses it to break his chain and is almost out the door of Fangtasia when a human bartender shoots him in the leg.

Next we are treated to a majestic display of wack-jobbery as Jason participates in a leadership-camp pep rally. A clearly oversexed girl with braids sings a song called "Jesus Asked Me Out Today," in front of an electric-neon painting of Jesus and compatriots crucified. Then Jason is called onstage to act out a scene with Sarah Newlin in which Newlin plays a vampire and Jason a pious member of the vampire-hating Fellowship of the Sun. The scene cuts when Sarah dons cheesy plastic fangs and Jason grabs an American flag, snaps it in half over his knee and rushes at her, pushing her to the ground and leaving her aroused.

Later, when Jason is brushing his teeth, Luke jealously confronts him. "You think you walk on water, don't you?" He says. "I'm pretty sure that was Moses," says Jason sagely. "No that was Jesus," Luke snaps. Um, no guys, it was totally Abraham. Duh.

Meanwhile, Bill is out shopping for suitable clothes for Jessica when a very suave, newly shorn Eric approaches him and asks to use Sookie's powers to find a vampire named Godric who is almost twice Eric's age (ew, old!) and has gone missing in Dallas. Bill says no way. Bill might've changed his tune if he had known that back in his mossy mansion Jessica is crying bloody tears about how much it stinks to be a blood-hungry vampire. And boy does she miss her parents, won't Sookie please drive her to their house so she can see them for one last time through the window? Sookie guiltily says she will if Jessica promises not to tell Bill.

At Merlotte's, Mary Ann is still busy eating. When she finishes, she whips all the sad sacks in the bar into some sort of blood-sugar-sex-magic frenzy that makes Sam really mad. So she takes him back to his office, flutters like a butterfly on steroids, turns him into his inner dog and warns him she can do that whenever she likes.

Cut to Jessica and Sookie sitting in Sookie's car in front of Jessica's house. Jessica sees her mom in the window and does that weird fast-vampire walk to the front door before Sookie even knows what's happening. She knocks, her mother answers, goes weak with joy, and her little sister Edie invites them in. Tea and sandwiches are served while they wait for Jessica's father to come home. Sookie is furious with Jessica. So furious she cusses. Gasp!

When Jessica's dad comes home, they hug, but then dad gets mean, and Jessica's fangs come out. "Go ahead Daddy, get your belt, but this time I'll be ready for you." It's kind of like the video for Aerosmith's "Janie's Got a Gun."

Back at Fangtasia, Lafayette suggests that, rather than kill him, Eric and Pam make him a vampire. "Not only will I be a bad-ass vampire, but I'll be your bad-ass vampire." They descend upon him like diners on ham at Hometown Buffet.

Which is what Jessica is about to do to poor Daddy, having called him mean as a snake and her mom dumb as nails and making poor little Edie cry and pushing Sookie into the piano. But then Bill busts the door down (kind of like the Kool-Aid man, only full of Tru Blood instead of tasty sugar water) and commands Jessica to stop. He glamours Edie into inviting him in, angrily pushes Sookie out the door and fast-walks to Jessica's dad. His face twists in anger and he growls.

Roll credits.

-- Jessica Gelt

Photo credit: HBO