‘Gossip Girl’: Wharton hears a who

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After a month-long hiatus, I expected ‘Gossip Girl’ to return with enough drama to leave me slack-jawed. Only the promise of awe-inspiring revelations and possibly a really good catfight could justify leaving us with so many empty Monday nights, right? Instead, we got Nelly Yuki in a fat suit (OK, that was actually funny), the most pointless Chuck-related story line ever and a blank-faced Rachel Carr meeting her timely demise. Though the actions in last night’s episode served as precursors to future scandal, it all seemed disjointed and a bit tedious. But before I threw a fit as if someone stole my early acceptance spot at Yale, I was reminded by the increasingly wise Vanessa that the beauty of uneventful society stories lies in the details.

We start backstage at Constance Billard/St. Jude’s production of ‘The Age of Innocence,’ the show’s most explicit nod to Edith Wharton (the less obvious being two characters named after Lily Bart from ‘The House of Mirth’ and its overall satire of New York society). In a space that rivaled a small Broadway production, we witness Blair’s fall from grace. Her antics involving Ms. Carr caused Yale to rescind her acceptance, and the news that everyone at school hates her sends her into a tailspin. Though she initially prepares to draw blood, B realizes she’s fated to be the disgraced countess she plays on stage. I love Evil Blair, but her self-awareness is what transcends her from other TV mean-girl archetypes. Her wiles have earned her nothing but karmic retribution, and it looks as though she’ll reluctantly turn to Plan B: finding a wealthy suitor. Who needs Yale when you’ve got Chuck, Carter Baizen and even Nate lining up to woo you?

Serena, however, isn’t having much luck in the love department. She’s resorted to pulling the age-old Cyrano de Bergerac trick to impress a guy. (Note to shows: do not use this story line unless the guy behind the mike is Steve Martin with a prosthetic nose.) We know S doesn’t exactly have the sharpest gaydar -- she didn’t even notice her own brother was gay -- so the outcome sparked little surprise. Call it the calm before the storm since Serena’s love life is going to get much more interesting toward the end of the season. More importantly, Vanessa’s turn as Cyrano inadvertently revealed Nate’s insecurity over their relationship. Their fundamental differences will play a part in his return to Blair and rightfully so. I can only imagine Vanessa’s head exploding after a few nights of SportsCenter.

I’m all for exercising patience when it comes to a Blair-Chuck reunion, but did we really have to endure that cul-de-sac of a story with Elle to remind us they’re meant to be together? It re-introduced Carter Baizen and further emphasized that entry into this secret men’s club was going to be more difficult than Chuck imagined, but other than that, I needed it no more than S needs more low-cut shirts. Chuck belongs back with the group, not swilling scotch with his dad’s old cronies.

Finally, last night’s episode closed the book on Dan and Rachel’s torrid love affair. This was inevitable, but would it hurt to show what, aside from the forbidden aspect of it, intrigued Dan in the first place? Rachel had the same expression on her face the entire hour! She left nothing to be desired and couldn’t even make an otherwise steamy closet scene exciting. It was disappointing considering the drama leading up to it, but after that episode, she deserved to get sent back to the cornfields.

Time for your thoughts on the episode. Who would you prefer to give Chuck a run for his money with Blair: Nate or Carter? Do you think Dan and Rachel’s story got wrapped up too quickly?

xoxo

--Enid Portuguez

Photo: The CW