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'Hell's Kitchen': Everyone hates Lacey, Colleen can't spell

February 26, 2009 | 11:16 pm

Colleen can't tell the difference between sugar and salt. She can't cook. She can't cheer. And she can't spell "victory." Gotta give her this much, though, she seems completely undaunted by the public thrashing she's been getting at the hands of Chef Gordon Ramsay.

Amazingly, she lives to see another day. Why? Because, equally amazing, she wasn't the worst cook in the kitchen tonight.

That title for the night went to Seth, who, despite being Chef Ramsay's No. 1 fan/stalker, was sent packing after a poor performance that included, among other things, wiping his sweaty face with a nasty-looking towel -- and then using the nasty-looking towel to wipe a pan. Ewww!

Other highlights:

• Robert delivers what is possibly the worst-ever impersonation of Chef Ramsay.

• The women squeaked out a challenge when Hell's Kitchen opened for breakfast. (Was that a first?) The diners were pint-sized football players and cheerleaders. Those cute little cheerleaders inspired Colleen to bust out into cheers of her own when she was supposed to be cooking -- and then she had to be admonished repeatedly to get back to work. Still, to quote Colleen, the women score a "V-, V-I, V-C-I-T-O-R-Y."

• Chef Ramsay said a burnt-and-botched pancake looked like a bleeping grubby pair of knickers. Ewww!

• The Blue Team is ganging up on Ben, who insists that he, not Danny, is the best chef on the Blue Team. He tells Danny: "You couldn't cook my [BLEEP]."

• Carol apparently wears a toupee.

The dinnertime service was a disaster -- both teams lost. J left the butt of the lettuce in the salad he served up. Ben undercooked lamb chops and cut them too thin, causing Ramsay to wonder aloud: "How can someone so fat serve something so thin?" The women couldn't seem to remember that lobster pasta requires actual lobster.

Both teams were forced to put candidates on the chopping block, but Seth gets the ax and pretends that he is not fazed, saying of Chef Ramsay: "I hope he welcomes the competition in New York when I open my restaurant." For his part, Ramsay doesn't seem worried, explaining Seth's elimination this way: "The bottom line is, he's a crap cook."

But the big question remains: Who hates Lacey more?

With Seth's departure, Lacey was sent over to the men's team which caused the boys to groan and caused Big Boy Robert -- he has a lot of nerve -- to say: "Oh my God, we got rid of some dead weight [with the elimination of Seth] and now we picked up 250 lbs. of more dead weight."

The Red Team rejoiced: "Not only did we get rid of her, but they get stuck with her," said Andrea. For her part, Lacey says she's inspired, this is all giving her motivation to whip some Red Team behind.

-- Rene Lynch