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'The Hills': Freezing finale party in New York yielded worst red carpet ever

December 23, 2008 |  1:00 pm

Heidispencer In the whipping cold night, under the spiny black ice-trees of Central Park, a pack of photographers stamped the snow-crust and howled. They were facing an empty red carpet with blue backdrops that said "The Hills" and "MTV." Behind them, two men each held the two tethers of giant floating light globes. "I'd like to know who the brain surgeon is who set this up," said one photographer. Three Marines were forced to stand outside by a Christmas tree at the end of the red carpet. They looked like they'd rather be in Afghanistan.

In truth, this was the worst red carpet in the history of red carpets.

Slowly, one by one, L.A. reality-show blonds were led out before these wild animals in this spooky winter Narnia. Inside, at Tavern on the Green, would be the semi-live season finale/after-show of "The Hills."

First came Stephanie Pratt. Her tiny baby-doll dress had a cut-out between her breasts. "I actually don't really care about Stephanie," said a disappointed tourist.

What happened on the red carpet is that the little Los Angeles imports had to do some time travel. They were working carefully with a narrative that is delayed for broadcast, and so they have to keep track of what they are supposed to know and what we already know. For instance, some told the reporters that they were not sure that there will be a Season 5 of "The Hills," but of course there will be.

Then came Holly Montag. The reporters wanted to know about her sister Heidi's marriage to Spencer Pratt. "If Heidi's happy, then I'm happy," she said.

But is the Montag-Pratt marriage real, legal, legit? "I don't know that actually," she said. She has not purchased a wedding gift yet — or, at least, hasn't done so inside the public time-frame. "I'm not going to get you a gift if you're not going to get really married," she said of the duo.

Brody Jenner showed up with his buddy Frankie Delgado. Jenner, 25, is about to appear on his fourth reality show, "Bromance." (The first three: the quickly canceled "The Princes of Malibu," then "The Hills" and "Keeping Up With the Kardashians.")

"I'm completely comfortable with my sexuality," said Jenner. This was in the service of teasing "Bromance," in which he hangs out with guys and apparently once sleeps in a bed with Delgado but, like, on top of the covers and with a pillow between them so that they never touched. He told this story over and over again, and he spent the longest time on the red carpet of anyone. "Nobody can fill Spencer's shoes," he also said. But keep trying!

Speaking of. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt made a fake arrival in a horse-drawn carriage. "That was a waste of time," said a freezing photographer.

There is no polite way to say this. The last time I had seen Spencer in person was in April. Then he had been an attractive boy, with perfect Chiclet teeth. The teeth remain (his parents are orthodontists) but something incredible has happened to his face, much like Matthew Perry before him. He looks puffy, bloated, distorted. His hair is overgrown, and the tips look like they were frosted in a mall salon in suburban New Jersey. His beard is simultaneously overgrown and sparse. He may actually be wearing a pale pink lipstick.

"Yes," they are officially married in California, said Heidi. Oh, really.

They answered some of the usual questions. What about kids, young lovers? "I'm only 22, you know," said Heidi.

"I think it's time to go thaw my wife out," said Spencer. But Heidi took a few more questions, about her future. What about a reality show of her own? "It's a lot more work to have your own show," she said.

Off they went. Did you buy them a wedding present, Lauren Conrad? "No," Lauren said, and laughed.

— Choire Sicha

(Photo courtesy Getty Images)