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‘Dancing With the Stars’: Cristián de la Fuente wrests away lead using only one arm

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Sure, I could lead off with a one-armed-man joke, but that’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Besides, the one-armed-man lobby would be all over me, and their power is eclipsed only by that of Big Pharma, Big Tobacco, Big Oil, the financial-services, gun and mining lobbies, the AARP and Oprah.

Anyway, last week, Cristián de la Fuente ruptured his bicep and considered leaving the show, but then realized he could get paid for another week. He and partner Cheryl were assigned the tango and the mambo this time, and Cheryl developed some clever choreography that would camouflage Cristián’s lame limb. The costume department, however, decided to call attention to it during the mambo by placing his arm in what appeared to be a sequined lymphedema sleeve. But I’m getting ahead of myself –- their first dance was the tango, and this was one instance in which I felt it was appropriate to have a distracting, tango-ized version of a modern song (in this case, “Beat It”); the familiarity of the tune and its overbearing lyrics infused the dance with some energy, though, really, I thought Cristián was moving rather stiffly, gingerly and –- I hate to say it -- constipatedly. The judges, however, thought it was perfect, and judge Carrie Ann even coughed up a 10, giving them a 28/30. This meant that when Cristián and Cheryl performed a legitimately lively mambo that had some excellent hip action and footwork, the judges had no choice but to go even higher, giving them a 29/30, for a total of 57/60 and first place.

Last week, the judges decreed that since all the young people wanted to do lifts anyway, they were going to OK one per dance, so long as it was in the character of that particular style. This meant that every star this week wanted nothing more than to be liftier than the next guy/gal, which I worried would turn into the dance equivalent of national-anthem singers going so nuts with the “and the land of the free” line that the song becomes both unrecognizable and unbearable. But I also kind of hoped it might result in a slapstick splat. Neither transpired. Some of the lifts were certainly gratuitous, but the audience, of course, adored them (really, their affection is so cheaply won), and no catastrophic tumbles occurred. The judges didn’t even criticize the lifts; perhaps, like parents of teenagers, they felt that since they’d given an inch, they could no longer enforce any boundaries.

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While we’re used to judge Len being curmudgeonly, judge Carrie Ann was also a bit surly this week. Kristi Yamaguchi and Jason Taylor were both on the receiving end of some particularly harsh criticism. Let’s start with Kristi and Mark, who were assigned the quickstep and the samba. Even though the quickstep was set to traditional music, it had lyrics, and for some reasons the lyrics that Kristi ends up with always seem so burdensome to me, making it hard to concentrate on her dance. The judges liked it, though Carrie Ann pointed out that they might have been a bit out of synch in the middle. Score: 29/30. During their samba, in which Kristi was dressed as a Tequila Sunrise, she performed eight spins into a dip, as well as a pirouetting thing at the end. And what did Carrie Ann think? She “didn’t care for it.” It was “awkward” and “too ambitious.” Len cited a loss of rhythm. Judge Bruno applauded them for taking on the biggest challenges. Score: 26/30, for a total of 55/60 and second place. I will say this about Kristi and Mark: Of all of the contestants, they most straightforwardly receive criticism and, perhaps even more impressively, unfailingly maintain a professional attitude in the post-dance interviews with co-host Samantha Harris.

Jason Taylor and Edyta danced the tango and samba this week, and Edyta expressed concern in the rehearsal scenes about Jason’s ability to master a Latin dance. Her solution? Dress him up in a weird outfit, then have him get a spray tan. The tango was perhaps my favorite tango of the season, despite the fact that Edyta’s costume looked kind of like this standout from Britney Spears’ recent crazy spell. The dance was sharp, snappy and fun. Len, however, derides it for being too much like an “Argentine tango,” which is where I thought the tango was invented. It turns out it was but that the ballroom version is different. Obviously! Bruno applauds Edyta for her best dance yet. Score: 29/30. After Kristi and Mark received their 26/30 on the samba, I thought that Jason was a lock for first place, but the judges really didn’t like Jason and Edyta’s samba, despite the rather grandiose shoulder-stand-lift at the end. All three judges noted problems with it, including a lack of musicality and rhythm, and dispensed a paltry 23/30, giving Jason and Edyta a 52/60 and fourth place for the night.

Mario and Karina danced the Viennese waltz and the jive. Their Viennese waltz received accolades from the judges since Mario improved his “stiffness,” translating into a 27/30. Their jive, which seemed energetic and fun to me and which featured a multi-part lift at the end, was also well received, though Len felt it was too rough and that Mario’s “big, ugly” feet were too prominently displayed. Mario and Karina receive a 26/30 for the jive for a total of 53/60 and third place for the night.

Marissa Jaret Winokur, you will be pleased to note, retained her boundless reserves of energy this week. How does she do it, you wonder? Well, in the rehearsal scenes, we find out that being in the bottom two last week was no biggie -– after all, she had cancer seven years ago. Fair enough. This week, she and Tony are assigned the foxtrot and the mambo, and, in contrast to the other pairs, pro Tony is the one who’s adamant about doing a lift. Their foxtrot, performed to “New York, New York,” seemed as if it were out of a musical, which worked well for a stage performer like Marissa. Uncharacteristically, Bruno is the one who criticizes them, citing a lack of gliding and making some comment about Ethel Merman. They receive a 25/30. Their mambo involved a good deal of spinning, but ultimately it just seemed a bit low-energy to me, as Marissa’s second dance did last week. They receive another 25/30 for a total of 50/60 and last place.

Going into this week, I was thinking the injured Cristián would be the most likely to get the heave-ho, but after some strong scores, it’s looking more like Marissa. Any predictions, fans? Care to stake your Internet identity on one?

The results show this week will feature the judges’ top 10 dances of the first five seasons, as well as a dance choreographed to “Thriller.” See you after the results are in.

-- Sarah Rogers

(Photos courtesy ABC)

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