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'The Hills': There's something about Colletti

April 29, 2008 | 10:21 am

What is it about Stephen Colletti that makes LC all weak in the knees? I don’t think I’ve ever gotten it.

I may think LC’s not the kindest to Audrina -- she and Lo picked on her again for inviting Justin Bobby to their housewarming party -- but I wouldn’t wish her taste in guys on anyone. Stephen, Jason, Brody …she's not really into the winners.

And LC's been sprung so long on Stephen, even I’ll admit it tugs on my heartstrings. I get that he's cute in an aw-shucks kinda way,  but he did pick Kristin Cavallari over you, LC. Poor thing.

But then again, it’s not as though Stephen My-last-girlfriend-was-"Heroes"-star-Hayden-Panettiere Colletti never saw “Laguna Beach.” It’s not like both he and LC aren’t perfectly aware that she’d happily have thousands of “pretty babies” with him (as Lo likes to say) if he ever gave the word.

Might as well milk it, yeah? Give the people who watch “The Hills” what they want: more of LC’s unrequited love. If there’s anything LC does well, it’s play the luckless girl, right? Her best friend betrayed her, she falls for all the wrong guys. It fuels the show.

Do I believe her crush is 100% legit? Sure. Is it sad that she’s deigned to offer it up as good TV and nothing else? Well, yeah. As one LC sympathizer, a colleague at the Los Angeles Times, put it: “Is it Lauren’s fault that she loves too much?”

And so we have last night’s episode of “The Hills,” a collaboration between LC and the show’s producers titled “A Date With the Past.”  I say they collaborated because she does narrate these things, so she‘s clearly cool with playing up her unreturned affection.

Stephen plays dense so well too. He took LC on a friend-date to Il Cielo, which was voted as “the most romantic restaurant in L.A.” by Los Angeles magazine.

What did they talk about? About how all their silly friends and family wish the two would get it on already:

LC (searching): Lo can’t get out of, like, senior year. She’s like, “Oooh, Stephen!” I’m like, “Um, we’re not 18 anymore.”

Stephen: She’s like everyone else that’s wishing something would happen between you and I. I told my mom I was over at your house the other day and that we were going to dinner. She’s like, “Oh!” And I’m, like, can I see a good friend and have dinner with them and can it just be platonic?


Yeah, my parents love you. (Pause) Because they know you’ll always be a good friend.

Yeah, it seems to work that way.

On the way home, the two reminisced about those high school days when he’d drive her around, always careful to make sure she got home by curfew. “I never drove too crazy, though. I had precious cargo.” Oh, Stephen, you make it hurt so good.

A bummed LC headed straight for the ice cream at home but played it strong for Lo. “Hanging out with him, I feel like I’m still in high school,” she said. “But I’m not in high school anymore.”

Cue sad love song. Ah, the powerful, telling words of Colbie Cailat:

Take time to realize that I’m on your side, didn’t I tell you?
But I can’t spell it out for you, no it’s never gonna be that simple
No, I can’t spell it out for you
If you just realize what I just realized
That we’d be perfect for each other and we’ll never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We’d never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now

I actually hope she’s over this one. Forget Heidi and Spencer. No guy can be forgiven for picking Cavallari first.

--Denise Martin