New men (and woman) of the House

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And then there were none. Well, two. Okay, actually three. The point is, the Great Race to reconfigure the diagnostics team on ‘House’ is over and the winners are Dr. Kutner (Kal Penn), Dr. Straub (Peter Jacobson) and the mysterious Thirteen (Olivia Penn). How precisely the writers are going to keep them all busy while still throwing the old team enough work is a mystery, but one that will keep Avid Viewers like me tuned in.

In last night’s episode, Dr. Lisa Cuddy finally drew herself to full administrative height and told House (Hugh Laurie) to pick two candidates and let the remaining two go. So when a punk rock musician with many addictions and few redeeming virtues pulls the typical ‘House’ collapse -- sudden bout of coughing turns into bloody spew -- the case becomes make-or-break.

Now, the competition wasn’t quite as intense as it seems, at least from the living room view. Kal Penn is a movie star, most recently seen in ‘The Namesake.’ So clearly he was staying. Jacobson has an IMDB list as long as your arm, and though some of the entries are along the lines of ‘man with the telephone,’ he was just seen in ‘Transformers’ and did a very funny turn as the hateful ex-husband in ‘The Starter Wife.’ So smart money on him. The choice came down to the two women: the steely Amber (Anne Dudek) and the softer Thirteen (Olivia Penn). Both actors have done good work -- Dudek in high-profile shows like ‘Mad Men’ and ‘Big Love,’ Penn in the unfortunate ‘Black Donnelly’s’ and, more successfully, ‘The O.C.’ But really there was no choice. Amber was too rough even for House, and romantic tension has been in short supply for a while, so the winner was Thirteen.

Yes, yes, there was a lot of cool medicine performed, tests and tubes and seizures, etc., and Drs. Wilson and Formen weighed in on how ridiculous House was to be caught up in his little games, but all of that was so much white noise as we waited to see why he would finally fire Amber and how he was going to keep three instead of two.

Amber revealed her near-pathological fear of losing anything, especially control, by her hatred of the druggie patient, and House finally had to concede that winning wasn’t everything if fear of losing kept you hostage. Then he hired the two guys, knowing that that would never fly. Which it didn’t; Cuddy told him to hire Thirteen (though why she didn’t make him sacrifice one of the men is essentially what separates television from the reality of our lives).

And so the original team is nicely mirrored, two guys and a girl, though with Foreman, it’s three guys and a girl. But hey, Amber’s the sort who might just figure out a way to return.

Meanwhile, we can all get back to business: figuring out how to give all the old cast members a bit more screen time. I mean, they can’t have colored Jennifer Morrison’s hair for nothing, right?

-- Mary McNamara