Ask Alana: Making do with less moola during the holidays
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This week: Telling your son that he can’t have an expensive gift this year, and bowing out of the family gift exchange. If you have a question for our etiquette maven, e-mail askalana@latimes.com
Alana,
My 13-year-old son really wants a Wii this year. All his friends have one. We told him he could have one. But my wife got laid off and there’s just not enough money for a Wii. How do we tell him this without ruining his Christmas?
Andruw Kantor, Pittsburgh, Pa.
Dear Andruw,
If Dick van Dyke were to appear in a modern version of “Bye Bye Birdie” and dance around in a dapper suit singing that song “What’s the Matter with Kids Today?” the answer might just be technology. We live in a world in which children clamor for iPods in the womb and roll their eyes when you ask them what all those doohickeys on the keyboard are actually for. So you could just tell him that back in your day you didn’t have TVs or video games or electricity and give him an orange for a gift and tell him to be happy that he doesn’t have scurvy.
However, I recognize that scurvy epidemics or not, oranges for Christmas probably aren’t the way to a modern kid’s heart. The way is a Wii or an iPhone or something else ridiculously expensive and unfathomable to your old soul. You might be tempted, when you hear your son’s high-pitched pleas for a Wii, to blame Santa (although if your 13-year-old son still believes in Santa, maybe you should just get him something that looks like a Wii. He might not notice the difference). But blaming Santa for the orange under the tree is kind of like blaming Congress for the current economy, and we all know that won’t get you anywhere.
Now, your son probably knows that your wife got laid off. Children are pretty perceptive, and even if you haven’t told him, he’s probably curious why she is staying home all day watching ‘Days of Our Lives’ and eating bon-bons and writing mean things on the Internet about her old company. So you need to cowboy up and explain to him why there’s not enough money . . .
. . . for a Wii. Maggie O’Farrill, a Los Angeles etiquette expert and head of Learning Manners, which specializes in teaching etiquette to children, recommends saying something like ‘Things will get better. Life is full of ups and downs but we love you very, very much.’ I recommend you do this before Christmas morning so that he doesn’t spend days dreaming about the Wii only to open that box Christmas morning and find a crate of oranges.
O’Farrill also says that you can make up for the paltry gifts by spending time with your son, perhaps making a one-on-one date with him to play racquetball or go bowling. Once you beat him handily in the bowling alley, he’ll respect you again, whether you’re employed or not. This is not advisable if you bowl like President-elect Barack Obama.
—Alana
Dear Alana,
My sister-in-law has a rule that all the adults in the family must buy a $75 ‘Kris Kringle’ gift and that they also will receive a gift for the same amount. She also demands that every adult buy a gift for each and every child. I told her that I cannot afford the $75 ‘Kris Kringle’ and she told me to get a job at the mall to get discounted gifts. Is there any way that I can go to her house with my husband and four children without participating in the ‘Kris Kringle’?
Kathleen
Kris Kringle, Secret Santa, Hanukkah Harry, Kellee Kwanzaa . . . whatever you want to call it, holiday gift swaps often churn up sturm und drang in the Season to Be Jolly. I find that whenever I put effort into a gift swap and buy something I would actually want, like a pink iPod docking station and alarm clock (hint, hint), I end up receiving a snow shovel and a singing lump of coal. And yes, you can have too many snow shovels. Especially if you live in Los Angeles.
This is, of course, exacerbated in these tough times, when people just can’t spend their hard-earned money on a swap gift and get yet another snow shovel. Apparently you feel the same way. I think, Kathleen, that it is important to bring gifts for the children. Even if you just go to the 99 Cents Only store and find some jewel, like a doll that looks kinda like Barbie or a Star Wars gun. If you don’t bring them gifts, they’ll think of you as their poor aunt Kathleen and they won’t invite you to their posh sweet 16 parties because they’re worried that you might embarrass them in front of their friends.
For the Kris Kringle, though, San Francisco-based Syndi Seid, author of www.EtiquetteInMinutes.com, says you just need to call your sister-in-law beforehand and tell her you don’t want to participate in the Kris Kringle this year. You can give whatever excuse you want — you have to participate in one at work, you’re saving up for a trip to Los Angeles to see Drew Carey on ‘The Price Is Right,’ you blew all your money on a singing lump of coal. Just be honest. If she persists, you could suggest a lower price point for the gift exchange or volunteer to arrange the deviled eggs on a platter while the rest of the adults do the Kris Kringle so it won’t be quite as awkward.
As for your sister-in-law’s suggestion to get a job: I don’t recommend getting a job just so you can participate in Kris Kringle. But if it looks as though money is going to be tight down the road, it might not be such a bad idea. How else will you afford my pink iPod docking station?
—Alana