Top five redneck baby-daddy cars
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Look, he’s only 18. You can hardly blame Levi Johnston for loving to party, shooting guns, playing hockey and, well, other activities. “I’m a ... redneck,” the teen who impregnated Bristol Palin wrote on his MySpace page. “You ... with me and I’ll kick your ...”
Well, at the risk of incurring the wrath of this obviously formidable young man, not to mention his mother-in-law-to-be Sarah Palin, I question his redneck credentials. Specifically, what about this picture of him standing in front of a blue Ford Fusion? A Fusion? Come on, that’s something a “community organizer” might drive.
Let me help the lad out. Here is a list of my top five redneck baby-daddy cars. Please suggest your own, and we’ll make sure to forward a definitive list to Alaska.
#1 -- Ford Bronco
The Bronco carries an undeniable cultural throw-weight as the truck for the wild and reckless. Note its appearance in movies such as “Smokey and the Bandit,” “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” and “Eight-Legged Freaks.” For true believers, the only real Bronco is one pre-1978, after which the Bronco was just a glorified F-series pickup. The hot setup is a 1977 Bronco half-cab in primer gray, with a Ford 302-cubic inch V8 crate motor, a 7-inch Skyjacker lift kit, AGR Rock Ram steering assist, Dana 44 lockers, bead-lock 36-inch Goodrich mudders, a PTO, rifle rack and fender spats. Bro-licious.(PHOTO CREDIT: KINDRED AUTO BODY)
#2 -- 1977 Trans Am SE:
In the land of the sunburned nape, the 1977 Trans Am SE –- black or brown, with Screaming Chicken hood decal, removable glass roof panels, and gold cast alloy wheels –- stands like a semi-literate colossus. Yet another star of “Smokey and the Bandit’ –- and arguably its most emotive performer –- the T/A is a cultural icon of the ‘70s, like CB radios, “Free Bird” and blooming fever blisters. These were stupendously lousy cars, to be sure, but they were fun and fast and loud. And they looked like a fist in search of a mouth to punch.(PHOTO CREDIT: PHIL SKINNER/KBB)
#3 -- 2002 Dale Earnhardt Signature Edition Monte Carlo
The model year is key here: 2002 was the year after Dale Earnhardt, the Intimidator, died on the fabled high-banks of Daytona. Owning one of these cars says that you loved Dale so much you went out and memorialized him with a 48-month car loan. The magic number 3 appears all over this car, and it’s done up in the GM Goodwrench livery, just like ole Ironhead’s race car. For true rednecks, Earnhardt remains the quintessential NASCAR champion. Kyle Busch, Jeff Gordon, Kasey Kahne? Blow-dried weenies.(PHOTO CREDIT: DALE EARNHARDT CHEVROLET)
#4 -- Anything with duct tape
What do you call duct tape in North Carolina? Chrome. Duct tape is the sum and substance of what you might call redneck engineering. It can do wondrous things. It can keep your pants up. It can be used to make a nice tie for those formal occasions, or a tourniquet, when those occasions turn ugly. You can use it to tape your cellphone to your ear for high-tech hands-free phoning. But the highest calling of duct tape is to bind the wounds of a busted-up hoopty. With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, if you’ve got more than one roll of duct tape on your car, you might be a redneck. And yes, upholstery counts.(PHOTO CREDIT: EBAUMSWORLD.COM)
#5 -- Ford Mustang
Well, of course, the Ford Mustang, but which one? You can’t have the fifth-generation Mustang, the current body design, because those are cool and they have some residual value. It can’t be an ‘60s-era Mustang either, because they too are cool and valuable collector’s items. You don’t want people thinking you’re an elitist, do you? What will really wow them down at the hunting lodge is a third-gen, Fox-platform Mustang, with a big, thirsty 5.0-liter. Extra points for a convertible with a gun rack welded up out of square-section tubing. Double bonus if you can drive your ATV onto the rear luggage rack.(PHOTO CREDIT: FORD MOTOR CO.)
-- Dan Neil
(Photo of Levi Johnson with Bristol Palin by EPA/SHAWN THEW)