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PREACH IT! Step away from the cameras, Snooki -- we'll find a guy for you

January 21, 2010 |  8:00 am

Snooki Now that a whole month and a half has lapsed in the whole "Jersey Shore" phenomenon, we move on to the inevitable: rumors of a dating show spinoff.

No doubt that reality show producers have waited their whole lives to craft a potential show title like "Snookin' for Love," which is, of course, a play on the nickname of breakout "Jersey Shore" star Nicole Polizzi.

Our favorite guidette recently told Us Weekly magazine that she's toying with participating in a "Snookin' for Love" reality show, which would, presumably, aim to hook her up, "I Love New York" style, to a nice, juiced, tan guido of Polizzi's choosing. ("Jersey Shore" costar Pauly D may also be eyeing  a new career.)

But "Snookin' for Love" is utterly unnecessary. We at the Ministry of Gossip have the power of the press, the wisdom that only gossip reporters possess, and the adoration of, I'm sure, millions and millions of rabid readers. With such resources, surely we can find a few good guidos -- or, at least, juiced, nice guys  -- for Snooki.

We'll judge each candidate based on Snooki's criteria, assigning an "R" if a gentleman is appropriately ripped, "J" for juiced, "N" for nice, "T" for tan. Those who receive the full RJNT are considered top candidates.

Let's get started:

Meraz Wolf Pack! RJNT. We speak of all four members of the "New Moon" movie werewolf crew -- Alex Meraz, Chaske Spencer, Bronson Pelletier and Kiowa Gordon. Suggested on the theory that no individual could possibly be man enough to satisfy Polizzi. Also note the absence of Taylor Lautner; he's only 17, and we could not guarantee he would remain intact after a Polizzi encounter.

Paul Walker. We mention Walker only because Polizzi recently said she wants to pull a robbery on him. He is merely R and J; we cannot attest to the level of N.

John Mayer. N. Doesn't have much going for him in the keepin'-it-fresh department, and even Vinny could probably flatten Mayer in a single fist pump, but like Polizzi, Mayer has a reputation for going through hookups faster than Pauly D goes through tubs of hair gel.

The Pants on the Ground Guy. No idea in regards to any of the criteria, and at 62, Larry Platt may skew a bit old, but at least he and Snooki could at least bond over the ups and downs of insta-fame. And bonus: Both love to dance.

Lang Stephen Lang. RJN. Sure, he's married and has four kids, but them giant 3-D pythons he showed off in "Avatar" just may require closer inspection by Ms. Polizzi. In a hot tub, natch.

-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: What's not to love about Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, up top with guido archetype Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. Might Alex Meraz, right, or Stephen Lang, left, be the guy for her? Credits: Scott Gries / MTV; Chris Pizzello / Associated Press; Mark Fellman / 20th Century Fox.

Want to fist-pump in our blown-out "Jersey Shore" jungle? Go for it.

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