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A peek into the Category 5 hurricane that is Lindsay Lohan's life

November 11, 2009 | 11:28 am

LohanWith friends and family like these, it's amazing that Lindsay Lohan is doing as well as she is.

Audio tapes that Lindsay's dad Michael Lohan provided to -- featuring Lindsay, Michael, mom Dina Lohan and assistant Jenni Munro -- are chock-full of drama, drama, drama.

It's hard to make sense of the out-of-context conversations, some of which are only one-sided. (And we know from experience that conversations fueled by emotion are rarely 100% accurate.)

Addiction! Money! Samantha Ronson! Heath Ledger! Look at the people around her! She's cutting! She lies! She wants to see her dad! No she doesn't! Yes she does! No she doesn't! It's bad! It's urgent! It's an emergency! It's all out of context, without time elements! 

We got stressed out just listening to the stuff. Can you imagine living in the center of that chaos?

"I admit, I'm being a bit selfish in releasing the tapes," Michael Lohan told RadarOnline. "But I'm tired of being lied about."

Who the heck tapes their own phone calls? Or phone calls with their own child? Can we loan Lindsay our  mom and dad for a week or two so she can experience parents?

Meanwhile, Lindsay is ticked off about the recordings being released, telling Gossip Cop exclusively that instead of selling stories -- there are unconfirmed reports Michael is being compensated -- her dad might try "getting a real job like normal people do."

Our advice? Run, girlfriend.

There must be a place where Lindsay can chill for a while, free of paparazzi, parasites and parents.


-- Christie D'Zurilla

Photo: Lindsay Lohan attends Richard and Eve Branson's "Rock the Kasbah" charity event for Virgin Unite at Vibiana in L.A. on Oct. 26, 2009. Maybe Sir Richard could arrange a flight for Lindsay to some secret destination? She looks like she could use the break. Credit: Alexandra Wyman / Getty Images.

Related Lindsay Lohan dispatches from the Ministry of Gossip:

Lindsay Lohan jets off to Morocco -- what could possibly go wrong?