The one thing Google doesn't rule at: partying

There are many great parties here at SXSW. Last night's Google party was not one of them.

The search giant does a lot of things brilliantly: Maps, e-mail, even their RSS reader are genius. But their party last night at Light on Congress was one of the lamest events in recent memory. Where else can you have a giveaway for a 16 gb iPhone and the "winners" don't even want to stick around till the end of the free drinks to find out if they won?

The music was awful, a barrage of all the most repulsive sounds and beats from Techno's Most Annoying Hits. Except these were never hits. It was music that defenders of waterboarding deem inhumane.  Numbers that make "Sister Ray" sound like Mozart. The Boredoms would have shielded their ears from the noise. No amount of free liquor could have made up for the shoulder-to-shoulder masses of people having to withstand the industrial "musics" that would have even made robots queasy.

So let's look at the pretty car above, for that was really the only nice thing to say about last night's party.

Last year Yahoo had an equally annoying party at this very same venue. Surely Googlers had been in attendance, as all of Yahoo's brands packed the club, from Upcoming to Jumpcut. Didn't they remember the frowny embarrassed faces that they uploaded to their Flickr?

You know you're in trouble when no one is dancing in front of the DJ, when no one is screaming in the guy's ear with a request, when no one is drunkenly bopping his head trying to find that groove. And if you say, "Oh, but this is SXSW interactive, a group of geeks; everyone knows geeks don't dance" — well, an hour later just down the street at the Razorfish party, lo, geeks dancing. In fact, geeks dancing quite well — to actual music.

Razorfish also had food and lots of it, and it was served on beautiful plates by beautiful people who told you what each fancy dish was. Mini hamburgers, raw fish, avocado dealies and, last, mini brownies a la mode. Is Razorfish's stock at $433? No, but its party ruled. People at the Google bash, in comparison, hid out on the roof to avoid the crowds and the noise. Justly. Sadly. Tragically.

Outside the line wrapped around the corner. Good people waiting in the cold for a bad party. Warn them all, we did: "It's not worth it". But no one listened. There are very few brands more loved than the little search engine with the quirky name (and for good reason). Of course we all wanted to party with them. The greeters were very nice, the front-desk people were sweet, but inside was the polar opposite of the minimalist white-with-primary-colors that we have all grown to love: It was dark and scary and wrong.

Do not want, 404, /buzz

Google, you're freakin Google. Next year get some big-name artist, get some really big venue, get some delicious food and drink, and do it right. Almost every thing else you do is right on the money.

One time a year, put that money to good use for the industry that adores you, and be the industry leader of Fun 2.0. Of all people, you have reason to celebrate, so share that joy.

— Photos and post by Tony Pierce