Late-night jokes: Obama bus tour takes a detour

As The Ticket's 71,000-plus Twitter followers here and 7,000 Facebook friends/fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the "Share" buttons above.

Leno: President Obama is off on his three-state bus tour this week. I believe the three states are Confusion, Delusion and Desperation.

Fallon: London security people worry over riots at next year's Olympics. But, hey, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.

Conan: Did you hear Aretha Franklin sang herself out of a parking ticket? Michael Bolton tried the same thing and got life.

Leno: President Obama says the credit downgrade should give Americans a renewed sense of urgency? Renewed sense? When was this ever not urgent?

Leno: More fallout from that Standard & Poor's credit downgrading of the U.S.. Today England, France and Germany unfriended us on Facebook.

Conan: A new report says that due to the weak economy, more Americans are cancelling their cable television. All I can say is, good luck trying to live without eight shows about cakes.

Leno: Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner will stay on with President Obama and not join the private sector. Thanks to his economic policies there are no private sector jobs.

Fallon: It's been a tough year for the N.Y. Yankees. They lost all four series against the Boston Red Sox. So today S&P downgraded the Yankees to the Mets.

Leno: Great day today! Obama didn't speak. Congress didn't act. Experts on vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There's a lesson in there.

Conan: Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor will be a "Sesame Street" guest this year. The first time a justice has been on the show since Justice Breyer ruled that Bert & Ernie could be called “roommates.”

Leno: A new report out says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: Last year they were worth $5 million.

Fallon: Obama took some campaign volunteers out for burgers the otherday and apparently he left a 35% tip. Oh man, that guy is SO generous… with China’s money.

Conan: China is increasingly angry over the U.S. debt situation, the credit downgrade and our ability to repay $1.2 trillion. So we probably shouldn't mention that last week we spent $65 million to watch the Smurfs movie.

Fallon: About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike over a new contract. Things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from Verizon to AT&T.

Conan: The 45th Star Trek convention was in Las Vegas recently. The city's new motto: "What happens in Las Vegas is probably happening for the first time."

Fallon: A South Carolina company is selling a device that tracks how many bites of food you have daily. I think we already have one: It's called your butt.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photos: Ron Edmonds / Associated Press (Franklin singing); Eduardo Patino, file.

White House claims Obama’s bus tour is presidential, so taxpayers will fund it

Somehow, from somewhere, a bright political strategist on the president's reelection team has come up with the idea of sending Obama out in a bus on Midwestern roads in two weeks, just like real Americans, or real Americans who can still afford a short summer road trip.

The spectacle of a passing politician's bus and waving citizens provides grand visuals for TV during the usually slow summer news days. The president of the United States might even happen upon a curbside lemonade stand operated by surprised children who deserve the kind of future he has in mind for all Americans. And more of that.

Not so good visuals of the trailing motorcade of press buses, Secret Service SUVs, SWAT team vans and communications cars. Nor the angry motorists stalled nearby because the highway and every on- and off-ramp has been closed by uniformed motorcyclists wearing large guns.

But a presidential bus tour could help refresh the image of this poll-plagued Democrat a year before his renomination for POTUS.

For weeks now Obama's only been seen at a pompous lectern lecturing members of Congress about the need to raise the national debt limit so he can make new "investments" in America's future and avoid default.

Or he's been seen reminiscing about the good old disastrous days of 2008 with Windy City poobahs who dropped $35,800 each to say they had dinner with the president.

Or Obama could not be seen in closed-door meetings with union leaders, who really liked the $787 billion stimulus plan but don't like any of this spending cut talk. As one result, Obama's job approval has never been lower.

So, on Aug. 15-17 he'll set out from somewhere and go somewhere else in a bus. You wouldn't announce your itinerary until the last minute either if you had Republicans itching to buy critical billboards along the route. And compute how few miles per gallon your big bus gets.

Political road tours do have other dangers. Remember Democrat John Edwards' bus breaking down on an icy Iowa roadside in early 2008, providing an irresistible media metaphor for his campaign on life-support?

So, where's the commander-in-chief going? Politically, Ohio, Indiana and Michigan make strong sense, although a dash into Iowa could help rain on campaigning Republicans' media parade. Yes, they're all run by Republicans now after last November's Democratic debacle. But Obama's got to retake at least two of them if he hopes to keep putting his feet up on that Oval Office desk.

However, according to Obama Press Secretary Jay Carney, the 72-hour bus trip is not political. (Laughter) No, really. Carney told doubting reporters this week, "The air of cynicism is quite thick. The idea that the president of the United States should not venture forth into the country is ridiculous."

Carney was fed such lines during his reporting days. But he persevered with the president's pitch: "It is absolutely important for the president, whoever that person is, in the past and in the future, to get out and hear from the people in different communities." Scroll down to watch Carney attempt to make that case on video.

The main trip topics will be the economy and jobs, he said. And no one would suspect the topics have anything to do with more discouraging employment figures expected out this morning.

Anyway, because the bus trip is so clearly presidential, America's taxpayers will be footing the bill for the non-political, three-day Obama odyssey through politically important Midwestern battleground states.

After all, taxpayers covered all the costs of Sarah Palin's successful One Nation bus tour back in June. Oh, wait. No, they didn't. Her political action committee paid for that.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photos: (top) Sarah Palin. Credit: Steven Senne / Associated Press

(middle) President Obama makes an appearnace on Tuesday. Credit: Andrew Harrer / Bloomberg

FAA must furlough thousands because of Congress, but air fares could dip a little

The FAA will be forced to furlough almost 4,000 employees starting Friday at midnight as its federal funding runs out. Congress could not agree on a measure that would provide funds to the agency.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said that although "the safety of the flying public will not be compromised" because air traffic controllers and other essential employees will remain on the job,  thousands of other jobs will be affected because of the politics on Capitol Hill.

"Because of their inaction, states and airports won't be able to work on their construction projects, and too many people will have to go without a paycheck," LaHood said in a statement. "This is no way to run the best aviation system in the world."

Each sides of Congress is pointing fingers at the other.

“It is unbelievable that after the House passed the 21st FAA extension, the Senate departed Washington and left the FAA and many of its employees behind,” Transportation and Infrastructure Committee Chairman John L. Mica, a Republican from Florida, said in a news release.

That was countered by Sen. Jay Rockefeller, the Democratic chairman of the Commerce, Science, and Transportation Committee, who fired off his own statement blaming the House.

Sarah Palin reveals a secret behind her canceled 'One Nation' bus tour

In case you haven't checked Sarah Palin's Facebook page yet this morning, she offers an update about her canceled 'One Nation' bus tour.

It wasn't canceled.

So, how to explain recent delighted doomsday media coverage: "Did the Palin bus tour run out of gas?" or "Sarah Palin's bus tour: Have the wheels come off?"

The Republican former governor couldn't ask for a more cooperative media (Scroll down for our previous item on how she plays the media so skillfully.)

Knowing that those five letters S-A-R-A-H or P-A-L-I-N drive huge online traffic, the disappearance of the media celebrity for even a short time offers an irresistible opportunity to speculate. Which, in turn, offers her the chance to generate more publicity by pointing out how wrong they are.

Which is what she did again with delight Wednesday evening on Facebook.

She told her more than 3,157,000 fans there how surprised she was to read of her canceled bus tour because no one had told her. "Oh, wait," she wrote, "that’s because it hasn’t been cancelled. (Good ol' media... you never cease to amaze!)"

She added, "The summer is long, and I’m looking forward to hitting the open road again."

So, why the hiatus?

Well, she explains, it turns out that even former governors get called for jury duty back in Alaska. So, she'll do her civic duty. It seems there's a pending jury trial involving a newspaper reporter who allegedly embezzled money from an elderly Republican woman who spoke out in support of Palin.

No, we made that up. Who knows what she might be called for.

So, now that it's officially summertime in the lower 48, when will the 'One Nation' bus tour resume? "The next leg of the tour continues when the time comes," Palin wrote. "In the meantime, no one should jump to conclusions."

Also, in the meantime Palin's campaign pal from last fall, Michele Bachmann, will be announcing her candidacy for the Republican nomination for president, fresh from her impressive debate debut in New Hampshire two weeks ago.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photo: Steven Senne / Associated Press (Palin by her bus in Boston, June 2).

Sarah Palin was not snubbed by Margaret Thatcher, former aide says

Sarah Palin may not get to have an audience with Margaret Thatcher, but it's not because the Baroness thinks the hockey mom is wacky.

In the wake of two reports quoting anonymous sources claiming that the former British prime minister is refusing to meet with an adoring Palin on an upcoming European stop because "Sarah Palin is nuts," a former aide of the Iron Lady says that the purported snub is rubbish.

"I have spoken to Lady Thatcher’s Private Office regarding the story, and they confirm that the attack on Sarah Palin definitely did not come from her office, and in no way reflects her views. As a former aide to Margaret Thatcher myself, I can attest that this kind of thinking is entirely alien to her, and that such remarks would never be made by her office," wrote Nile Gardiner, a political analyst for the Telegraph U.K.

The brouhaha started soon after Palin announced to a British newspaper that she plans on visiting Europe for the first time and aspired to meet with Thatcher, one of her political heroes.

"I am going to Sudan in July and hope to stop in England on the way. I am just hoping Mrs. Thatcher is well enough to see me as I so admire her," Palin told Britain's Sunday Times earlier this month in an article titled "Reloaded and on a Mrs. T mission: the Palins are coming to Britain!"

Soon after that interview, the Guardian U.K. reported that an ally of the 85-year-old said, "Lady Thatcher will not be seeing Sarah Palin. That would be belittling for Margaret."

Margaret Thatcher refuses to meet with Sarah Palin

Margaret Thatcher, the former British prime minister, is well respected by Sarah Palin, but it doesn't appear that the feeling is mutual.

Recently the former Alaska governor revealed plans to take her "One Nation" road show across the pond next month, with a stop in London as she makes her way to Sudan.

"I am going to Sudan in July and hope to stop in England on the way. I am just hoping Mrs. Thatcher is well enough to see me as I so admire her," Palin told Britain's Sunday Times in an article titled "Reloaded and on a Mrs. T mission: the Palins are coming to Britain!"

But the woman affectionately dubbed the Iron Lady isn't interested in meeting with Sarah Barracuda during the hockey mom's trip.

"Lady Thatcher will not be seeing Sarah Palin. That would be belittling for Margaret. Sarah Palin is nuts," an unnamed "ally" told the Guardian.

Sarah Palin plays the media like a violin: Her turn now

Sarah Palin, with her counterintuitive secret publicity bus tour, is demonstrating one of the most important rules of American politics:

There is nothing the U.S. media wants more than something it thinks it can't have. Hence the power of news leaks that manipulate the thrust of their initial presentation. Hard-to-get is a rigid rule of human behavior. Ask any teenage boy or girl.

And there are few things more sweet to Palin and her fervent supporters cheering their TV sets this week than the image of a hungry know-it-all "lamestream media" caravan of 15 or more vehicles traipsing along behind her red-white-and-blue bus enroute to they-know-not-where to do they-know-not-what.

To make it worse, each one of the frustrated, confused chasers knows that Fox News' Greta Van Susteren is....

Late-night's best: The good news in the Supreme Court's order for California to release 46,000 felons

As The Ticket's 65,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,800 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above. Normally, we publish these on Monday mornings.

Leno: The G-8 nations met in France, the world's top economic powers. President Obama arrived and the other seven said, 'What are you doing here?'

Fallon: President Obama now plans a state visit to Puerto Rico in June. A state visit to Puerto Rico? I'm pretty sure that's really a vacation to Puerto Rico.

Leno: The bad news: The Supreme Court has ordered California to release 46,000 felons due to prison  overcrowding. The good news: Oakland Raider season ticket sales are soaring.

Leno: On his trip to Europe President Obama met with Queen Elizabeth in London and she suggested returning to pre-1776 borders.

Letterman: So you heard about Oprah's last show? Sad time for the ladies in my book club. But Oprah finally explained why she cancelled the Apocalypse.

Leno: A nice tribute to Chicago by Oprah. She ended her season in May, just like the Cubs.

Fallon: A new study says Oprah fans will feel overwhelming loneliness with the....

Sarah Palin and her 'One Nation' bus tour, coming to a town near voters soon

Sarah Palin, who admitted recently that she had the fire in the belly to run for president, now has a bus tour to go with it.

The Republican former governor, who wandered all over Alaska in a motorhome last year for her Discovery Channel reality series, will do the same starting Sunday at a biker rally in Washington.

According to Scott Conroy at RealClearPolitics.com, an essential daily read for politics fans, the tour will, of course, involve members of the Palin family and first focus on the Northeast. That's a seemingly unlikely place for Republican political kickoffs, unless you can say 'the first primary state of New Hampshire is a whole lot nicer in June than January.'

The trips could last for weeks and are guaranteed to attract many media trailing along in the bus exhaust fumes. Like the NASCAR race she attended last year, Sunday's annual ...

The softer side of the Obamas' visit to Britain; Michelle chats with teen girls

Someday it'll be a man, but for now the presidential spouse sent off for gentler human relations appearances during the chief executive's official talks is a woman, Michelle Obama.

She went to Oxford University ON Wednesday to meet with schoolgirls also visiting from Elzabeth Garrett Anderson School. The first lady's prepared remarks were the usual thrill at being there, appreciation to several people who'd made it possible and her favorite plea for increased volunteerism, even while growing up.

But then came questions from the young women, none impertinent, of course, and mostly adulatory about her husband, the political pioneer. Obama's full remarks and responses are posted over here.

We were particularly struck by two of the first lady's down-to-earth, spontaneous....