Late-night jokes: Starbucks CEO reveals how he got rich

As The Ticket's 73,000-plus Twitter followers and 7,200 Facebook friends/fans know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each evening.

Feel free to pass this weekly collection on to friends using the "Share" buttons above.

Fallon: President Obama arrived 25 minutes late for a luncheon at the United Nations. In fact, he was so late, he had to sit next to Joe Biden at the kids' table.

Letterman: The U.N. General Assembly is reconvening. Fun to drive by and see those world leaders sitting on the front porch hooting at all the passing chicks.

Conan: Arnold Schwarzenegger is writing a memoir. It'll be available in hardcover, paperback and a book-on-tape that’s impossible to understand.

Fallon: At a New York City fundraiser President Obama says he's in ‘in a New York ...

With everything going so well, Obama golfs with a new partner

Whenever a White House makes it easy to photograph a president doing something, the first question is always, "Why this?"

Most of the scores of times President Obama has gone golfing with aides and pals, the media pool is kept waiting out of camera range in a food court.

Some silly people have suggested that instead of staying secluded with well-paid staff who already like him, the aloof Obama could put such recreational buddy-buddy time to good political use by issuing prestigious presidential invites to a variety of people to come along and get to know each other better. And, who knows, maybe let them lift a presidential golf ball or towel.

Remember, Obama tried this one time last summer with House Speaker John A. Boehner.

It's the sort of social networking regularly used to cement friendships and sales in private business, about which, to use Mitt Romney's colorful phrase, Obama is "clueless."

Saturday, surprisingly, the pool media representatives were ushered to a convenient green just in time to catch two famous guys putting out.

In this photo above, the successful husband of secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton is obviously explaining to the struggling Obama how a capitalist society works.

It's the economy, stupid.

Bill Clinton, who's publicly disagreed with a few Obama ideas like raising taxes at this time, is the only Democrat elected to two White House terms in three-quarters of a century. Next year, Obama would like to become the second. At the moment, the odds of success aren't looking too good.

Hence, the Obama White House's willingness to show the beleaguered No. 44 seeking advice from the far more popular No. 42.

Feel better now?

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Top photo: Former President Bill Clinton golfing with President Obama. Credit: Chris Kleponis / Bloomberg. Bottom photo: Obama signature golf balls. Credit: Associated Press

Late-night jokes: Secret Service responds to Facebook threats with its own

As The Ticket's 73,000-plus Twitter followers and 7,200 Facebook friends/fans know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each evening. Feel free to pass this weekly collection on to friends using the "Share" buttons above.

Conan: Big announcement today: Facebook says it's appointed a new director of privacy. His name is Dave Jenkins. He lives at 17 Oakwood Lane and his PIN number is 3153.

Leno: Someone left threatening messages on the White House Facebook page. The Secret Service takes this very seriously and warns if caught, you will be Unfriended.

Fallon: A new study finds that a mother's diet affects her baby's allergies. Which can only mean one thing: My mom ate cats.

Conan: A Michigan man wearing a President Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or President Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.

Letterman: Did you hear in Brooklyn a guy found a three-foot rat! Ever hear of Gambian pouch rats? The pouch, that's where they keep their guns.

Leno: A new study says women are being more honest about their weight. Warning for Guys: That doesn't mean YOU can be more honest about their weight. It's a one-way street.

Fallon: A South Carolina company is selling a device that tracks how many bites of food you have daily. I think we already have one. It's called your butt.

Fallon: In the last 30 years, the average homesize has increased 600 square feet. That's fitting since in the last 30 years the average person's size has increased 600 square feet.

Conan: A South Carolina man sneaked a TaserGun into an NFL game and tased somebody. The man was arrested and immediately signed by the Oakland Raiders.

Leno: Hmmm. You know that Philadelphia mint officer accused of stealing $2.4 million in coins? Well, he just paid his $50,000 bond all in nickels.

Leno: So this local porn studio is building a big underground bomb shelter for 1,500 people. Can you imagine that many poolboys, pizza guys and naughty nurses in one place?

Fallon: Researchers find that  your first decision is usually the right one. Then they were like, ‘Actually, wait, no. The second decision – THATS the right one.'

Leno: Good news for Obama. His approval overseas is very high, higher than at home. But then he's created more jobs overseas than at home.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photos: Marcio Jose Sanchez / Associated Press (an Oakland Raider fan); Ricardo DeAratanha / Los Angeles Times.

Obama jobs speech tops the NFL (but, then, it was only the Packers)

   

President Obama's speech Thursday on jobs to a joint session of Congress failed to outscore the TV ratings for his announcement of the killing of Osama bin Laden in May but did improve on his recent speeches on Libya and Iraq.

And his 4,102 words also outpaced the NFL kickoff that came right after them.

The speech -- which included 17 variations on a demand that Congress pass a jobs bill that hasn't been rendered into legislative text yet -- was carried live from 5-6 p.m. Pacific time on 11 channels: ABC, AZA, CBS, NBC, Telemundo, Univision, CNBC, CNN, FBN, FNC and MSNBC.

Among the cable newsers, Fox News did the best.

Here are the box scores from Nielsen Co. ...

        

Broken down by cable networks, Fox News came first with close to 3.4 million (826,000 in the target Adults 25-54 demographic); CNN second, with just north of 1.8 million (645,000 in A25-54); and MSNBC third, with just over 1.6 million (430,000 in the demo).

By way of contrast, the president's first address to a joint session of Congress on....

4 NASCAR drivers will be missing from the field at Obama's White House photo op

NASCAR driver Tony Stewart battles off Kevin Harvick during the rain-delayed 500-mile race at Atlanta Motor Speedway today. (Jeff Gordon won, his 85th career checkered flag to place him now as the third all-time victory lane visitor.)

But that's not the point of this story.

 The point of this story is that, like millions of Americans, neither Stewart nor Harvick will be at the White House on Wednesday for one of those grandiose photo ops that presidents in deep poll trouble love.

The schedulers of President Obama, a basketball fan, have invited over the 12 drivers who made last season's Chase for the Championship, NASCAR's season-ending playoff race series.

The White House can usually count on anyone who's been invited there eagerly showing up at the appointed time as an excited and willing prop for whatever the scheduled activity is.

However, this year a third of those 12 NASCAR drivers invited begged off -- Stewart, Harvick, Greg Biffle and Carl Edwards.

They cited scheduling conflicts. They said the invitations came late, which is standard White House protocol. And, frankly, they have other commitments.

Which may well be true in some cases.

Although NASCAR races may not be programmed into the White House TiVo, these are after all the closing weeks of this year's Chase for the cup.

Although race fans only see their favorite drivers on race day, it's not like they sit around the other six days of each week.

In return for the multimillions invested by sponsors, these guys (and next year, gal, if Danica Patrick switches over successfully from Indy Cars) are headline celebrities at promotional events.

Biffle, for instance, is required to appear in Minneapolis on Wednesday at a 3M event built around him. Biffle says he has a photo in his office of himself and Obama shaking hands, and that there's no presidential disrespect intended by blowing off the White House this time.

Stewart says he too would have rescheduled other events if he could, which he can't, so he won't.

NASCAR is, to be honest, a red-state kind of scene, not counting California. C'mon, who'd look more comfortable standing next to Richard Petty and his hat -- the Harvard grad in pressed khakis or Texas Gov. Rick Perry in boots?

Now, being hand-over-the-heart, face-the-flag-don't-talk-during-the-anthem patriotic and all, none of these millionaire NASCAR guys would want to directly disrespect the president, even if he was a Democrat. Which he is.

Hence, the unavoidable scheduling conflicts.

Which may be true.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

Don't forget to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or click this: @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle.Use the ReTweet buttons above to share any item with family and friends.

Photo: Todd Warshaw / Getty Images (NASCAR's Tony Stewart leads Kevin Harvick during the Atlanta 500, Sept. 6); Joe Sebo / Associated Press (the field in Atlanta).

Ticket pic of week: It sure feels heavier than 10 kg

On a  day off from the factory a Chinese boy in Fujian province works on his weightlifting skills in preparation for the Olympic tryouts someday.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photo: AFP / Getty Images

ESPN warns analyst Paul Azinger over mocking tweet on nation's golfer-in-chief

Those piercing professional eyes of one of our faves, Dana Loesch, have spotted another disparity in media treatment of commentary on the nation's vacationer-in-chief and Republicans.

ESPN golf analyst and 12-time PGA Tour winner Paul Azinger put out a funny and biting tweet during this week of President Obama's famous vacation on Martha's Vineyard:

"Facts: POTUS has played more golf this month than I have; I have created more jobs this month than he has."

Friday, as Dana reports, ESPN "reminded" Azinger that his tweet was inconsistent with the social media policy of the company (corporate parent: Disney).

And that "political commentary is best left to those in that field."

OK.

Then Dana astutely wonders aloud what kind of warning verbal outlaw Kenny Mayne got for his twittered desire in June to wreak mechanical mayhem on a passing car, ramming it simply because it carried a Sarah Palin sticker. Presumably Mayne pulled over before tapping out his tweet.

Dana has tweet pix right here.

-- Andrew Malcolm

Follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or click this: @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle.Use the ReTweet buttons above to share any item with family and friends.

Photo: BigJournalismdotcom

Obama safe on the golf course during earthquake, but gets briefed later anyway

Poor President Obama can't catch a break.

He goes on this expensive island vacation without releasing an overdue jobs program and people complain he's had 930+ days, where's he been?

On Monday he gets some family time and this Libya conflict he started hits a turning point. So he has to go on TV and talk democracy for eight minutes. Mission Accomplished, almost

Today the Democrat did the family thing on the beach and bikes all morning.

The afternoon was scheduled guy time on the golf course, which wasn't going too well in the putting department, according to eyewitnesses. And then there's this magnitude 5.8 earthquake up and down the East Coast.

First of all, POTUS is safe. No panic. He was outdoors. He didn't even feel it, clueless. Fortunately, he has a lot of non-vacationing aides around. And they could tell him about the public shock of millions across the region and the Pentagon and monument evacuations and no initial reports of anything wrong.

He could also learn a little about approaching Hurricane Irene, which threatens to screw up his vacation weekend plans, among other things.

Aides set up an emergency conference call for the president in an undisclosed area near the golf course to be told again that everything is OK. Here's the White House report on that crowded call:

At 2:50 p.m. EDT this afternoon, the president led a conference call with DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano, White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley, National Security Advisor Tom Donilon, Homeland Security Advisor John Brennan, FEMA Administrator Craig Fugate, Senior Science Advisor for Earthquake and Geologic Hazards with the Department of Interior Dr. David Applegate, Nuclear Regulatory Commission Chairman Greg Jaczko, Deputy Homeland Security Advisor Heidi Avery and Deputy National Security Advisor Denis McDonough to discuss the earthquake and status of critical infrastructure. 

The president was told that there are no initial reports of major infrastructure damage, including at airports and nuclear facilities and that there were currently no requests for assistance. The president asked for regular updates on the situation. The president also was provided an update on preparations for Hurricane Irene by Secretary Napolitano and Administrator Fugate.

Vice President Joe Biden, meanwhile, was over in Japan expressing sympathy for their quake-tsunami disaster last spring. So he can't be blamed for the day's discouraging new poll numbers.

Also, the president ordered that people keep bringing him any new information.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

Keep track of this administration's spending; follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or click this: @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle. Use the ReTweet buttons above to share any item with family and friends.

Photo: Kevin Lamarque / Reuters (Obama missing putts on vacation, Aug. 23).

George W. Bush teams up with Topps for 9/11-era baseball card

George W. Bush and baseball card giant Topps have teamed up to create limited-edition autographed cards of the former president tossing out the first pitch at a World Series game in 2001.

“Our 2011 Allen & Ginter product will continue Topps’ historic tradition of chronicling heroes both on and off the playing field,” Topps Vice President Mark Sapir said in a statement. “We’re thrilled to announce that this year’s set will include limited-edition autographs of our country’s 43rd president, George W. Bush.”

The 200 autographed Bush cards will be randomly inserted into various sets of the 440-card Allen & Ginter sets.

Although Topps has previously released cards honoring Barack Obama, Bush's would be the first baseball card that a former U.S. president has provided an official signature. 

Some critics have already complained that the card is in bad taste because the image comes from Game 3 of the 2001 World Series at Yankee Stadium, an emotional moment just weeks after the Sept. 11 terrorism attacks.

In a post titled "9/11 Hero George W. Bush Shilling Autographed 9/11 Baseball Cards," Wonkette blogger Kirsten Boyd Johnson writes, "It is good to see that in these hard economic times, it is still possible to make a '9/11 memories' buck."

Bush's appearance at the game was to some a courageous act because many people feared further attacks.

"I think the president being here put his money where his mouth is," then-Yankee manager Joe Torre told reporters after the game. "He wanted us right from the get-go to do what we need to do, to live as normal a life as we can. And with everything ... that's been going on, he showed a lot of courage and a lot of class."

Then-New York Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani sat with Sen. John McCain in a box next to the dugout that night and later said Bush's attendance "shows we're not afraid, we're undeterred and that life is moving on the way it should."

About 1,200 police were at the game, and even Yankee owner George Steinbrenner had to go through a metal detector.

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 -- Tony Pierce
twitter.com/busblog

Top photo: Three examples of George W. Bush-autographed Topps cards. Credit: Topps

Second photo: George W. Bush at Yankee Stadium on Oct. 30, 2001. Credit: Associated Press

Ohio Gov. John Kasich signs bill allowing concealed guns in bars

Ohio Gov. John Kasich on Thursday signed a bill into law that gun owners will probably love, especially those who have permits that afford them the luxury of having concealed weapons.

The Republican, who was last seen on the links with President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner, approved the measure that allows gun owners in the Buckeye State to bring their concealed weapons into establishments that serve alcohol, as well as into licensed establishments including shopping malls, nightclubs and sporting venues.

Does this mean that Pittsburgh Steelers receivers should avoid doing a version of the Lambeau Leap into the Dawg Pound at a Cleveland Browns game? Fortunately no. Businesses can prevent patrons from bringing their sidearms for safety reasons.

One detail about Ohio bars and the new law: yes, if you have a permit to carry a concealed weapon and the saloon does not bar its customers from packing heat, you are not allowed to consume any booze if you are carrying that .45. Likewise, you can't be under the influence of drugs, druggie.

But you can play darts, sing karaoke, and debate the debt ceiling all you want in that bar as long as you keep ordering Shirley Temples.

When the bill passed the Ohio Senate in April, the Cleveland Plain Dealer wrote in its editorial that it "was not entirely a surprise given the upper house's longstanding tradition of kowtowing to the handgun lobby."

Although Richard Mason of the Ohio Restaurant Assn. pleaded in a letter to the House committee chairman that they "simply feel that alcohol and guns are not a good mix," the bill went through, putting the burden on bartenders and waitresses to police their establishments from gun-totin' patrons who might be breaking the new law. Perhaps they will be packing heat too.

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-- Tony Pierce
twitter.com/busblog

Andrew Malcolm is on vacation

Photo: President Obama, center and House Speaker John Boehner, right, play on the first hole with Ohio Gov. John Kasich during a game on June 18.   Credit: Mandel Ngan / AFP/Getty Images